THE NEUROTIC PARENT™

Here's the Trailer

Will let you know when "the making of" is posted.  BTW, the very cool actress told us she was lucky to get her older child (3.5) into a preschool in Pasadena whose philosophy is "non-violent parenting," presumably unlike the outdated violent parenting we all practiced in the '90s.  The core of the movement is no timeouts, no bribes and no punishment (which our generation euphemistically called "consequences").  Hope these compassionately parented kids will be able to handle the brutalities of the college admissions process.

 

Colleges are Human too - Vassar Edition

This NYT piece discusses a bizarre deja vu-ish admissions disaster that occured a few years ago at UC San Diego.  Apparently, the Vassar admissions people were "testing" their Early Decision II acceptance page and posted it the online accounts of 76 kids whom they meant to deny.

After receiving the temporary good news, the applicants were sent a message citing a “system error" and an apology for the mistake.  Sweatshirts, mugs and champagne had been purchased for naught, and the acceptees' elation soon turned into depression.  One girl, whose intent was to study computer science, was grateful for the karma of the event, though, and recognized the error as a blessing in disguise. 

“I want to major in computer science,” she's quoted as saying in an email, “and Vassar doesn’t even know how to use a computer on the biggest day of our lives.”

The Neurotic Parent Institute has organized an emergency task force to assist the parents of the 76 students affected by the Vassar error.  We will be offering ongoing therapy, as well as hand-holding for dealing with Vassar customer service agents (should you be polite or threaten to sue?).  We fully expect Vassar to generously offer a consolation package to the wronged studentes, including certificates for attendance at an Environmental Science lecture, lunch at Sbarro and a coupon redeemable for a shotglass at the bookstore.

nytimes.com

 

My First Review

While I work on "Tales from the 12th Grade Final Potluck," take a look at this:

 www.nacacnet.org

 

 

Turn Defer into Prefer with the right emails

Deferred from your top choice school?  Here's the latest from the NYT, although I don't recommend reading it if you attend a top prep schol in the east...or the west...or anywhere else in the country.  Here's a quote:

So in certain precincts of Manhattan, parents of those who were deferred or rejected in December have been swapping stories ever since about the seemingly perfect senior at the Spence School who did not make the cut (“If not her, who?” lamented one parent) and the six Brearley School girls who were deferred from Yale (“I thought Yale loved Brearley,” cried another, pointing out that 20 Brearley graduates have gone to Yale in the last five years, more than any other university).

What to do if you're deferred?  According to the latest newsletter from Application Boot Camp, you might have a greater chance of eventually getting in this year because the new trend is to reject unqualified applicants outright.  But you can't just sit around. You need to get good grades, collect additional recommendation letters and engage in a full-fledged self-promotion campaign.  Here's what they advise:

Write a letter reaffirming that the college is still your first choice, send an extra letter of recommendation, make sure your grades go up and send updates about what you are doing in school.  The only deferred kids who end up being accepted are those who make themselves into polite pests.

More specifically, by the middle of February, draw up a one-page letter reaffirming your interest in the college, and then submit a bullet-point list of all the earth-shattering news/awards that you have won. 

Having trouble figuring out what to write?  Are you just a normal kid with few, if any, earthshattering news/awards?  No worries.  The Neurotic Parent Institute has come up with several adaptable templates, which we will share with you free of charge:

"The knitting club I founded has now produced sweaters for an entire colony of freezing penguins in Antarctica.  I have won a Golden Needle award for my efforts."

"I am proud to let you know that I am now shadowing an ENT at Cedars Sinai Hospital, and I have just assisted in my first septoplasty (repair of a deviated septum)."

"Since my deferral, I have composed a series of trombone concertos, one of which will be perfomed this season by the Cleveland Symphony."

"During spring break I plan to travel to Chinle, AZ, where I have organized an Intertribal, multigenerational pow wow.  I have received an advance to write a book of poetry about the event, tentatively titled "Meditations of Harmony and Wonder," and I intend to donate the profits to Habitat for Humanity."

and, finally:

"My grades, unfortunately, have not improved, and the only award I have won was 'Customer of the Month' at the Verizon store, after losing or damaging seven iPhones in a three-week period.  But I thought it would be of interest that my grandma's foundation plans to finance a state-of-the-art neuroscience lab at the university that I ultimately attend."

Neurotic Resolutions

1. Meditate, Zumba, Detox...anything to keep my mind off the scholarships at the schools GC turned down.

2. Do not allow myself with 100 meters of Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Send my son to college with ratty sheets from home - he'll never notice

3.  Look into volunteer opportunities for worthier causes than committees at my kids' schools.

4. Figure out how to hack Naviance to find out real statistics; charge for this service.

5.  Throw out seven years' worth of college brochures.

6.  Donate SAT prep books to neighborhood preschool.

7. Buy a small farm near GC's college town.

8. Read books instead of lurking on accepted students' page of GC's new university.

9. Translate this blog into Mandarin and Hindi - charge a hefty subscription fee.

10. Upload twenty years of childhood videos and photos.  Prepare for a melancoly life as a teary empty nester.

 

 

 

The Neurotic Parent in Teen Vogue

http://www.teenvogue.com/connect/undergraduate-admission-early-decision

Applying to America's Douchiest Colleges

We are on vacation in Mexico, trying not to think about colleges - not an easy task in a group that includes three university students, a high school senior, a high school junior and two recent college graduates.  And, whenever we go for a walk on the beach, we run into anxious parents who we know from home whose kids were recently denied or deferred. 

Last night we had our annual Yankee Swap gift exchange. Those of us anticipating the release of "The Neurotic Parent Guide to College Admissions" were thrilled to see that humor books are hot, at least until our local Barnes and Noble closes. "The History of the World According to Facebook" and "Stuff White People Like to Talk About" were coveted items, along with a compelling tome called "America's Douchiest Colleges."  This mean and nasty guide published by Chronicle Books proves, once and for all, that this whole application thing is out of control because if, by some miracle, you're actually admitted to your dream school, before you know it, you'll probably just become another douchebag, or at least be surrounded by them.

What is a douchebag?  According to the authors of ADC, "You're a douchebag...if you're packing up your mom's Volvo and headed off to a college where the only thing more popular than saving Darfur is vacationing in Nantucket." 

Here's what the book has to say about alma maters and the colleges attended by those in our group:

Yale - Unofficial Motto: We're one horny bunch of nerds. 

Penn - Unanswerable question posed by this douche: Seriously, what kind of douche knows he wants to work on Wall Street when he's 17 years old?

Trinity College - The "I murdered someone at Exeter with a nine iron, but I had a really good lawyer and my dad got me in here" douche.

Michigan - Unofficial Motto: If it weren't for Berkeley we'd be the best state school in the country! Oh, and UVa.  And possibly North Carolina.  But not Wisconsin (right?)

Duke - Unofficial Motto: A beautiful campus built by people who profitted from lung cancer.

 ---

The Douchiest List goes beyond dissing the preppy schools.  Intellectual hubs such as Reed and U of Chicago are mentioned, as are groovy places like Brown, Bard, Oberlin, Bennington, Colorado College, Weslayan, and even Deep Springs. So are random schools in the "territory of Canada, including McGill, home of the "passively bilingual douche." 

So, have we been angsting about how to get our kids into these places for naught?  Will U.S. News get their hands on this guide and cause Harvard, Amherst, Princeton and MIT to fall in the ratings? 

The Neurotic Parent is hoping to halt the impending douche crisis before the only nondouchy school in the hemisphere is Slippery Rock State (not mentioned in the book). Because the quasi-anonymous authors discuss the fact that "Some douches are made. And some arrive already douchey. So where do these natural-born douches come from?....Let's just say it: It's where loud, enfranchised children leave home and don't come back until they're loud, enfranchised adults...It's Long Island!"

Aha! The NPI has gotten to bottom of this. Colleges, take note: Initiate a Douche Admissions Quota immediately.  In fact, why not require that kids from the Island have higher SAT scores than the rest of the applicants?  A cheating scandal might ensue, all high school seniors in the 516 area code might end up in prison, and douchiness might disappear from colleges overnight...only to result in a new list of America's Douche-free Colleges.

 

 

Refreshing Q's from Readers

Q: I have been refreshing your blog over and over again, waiting for news about GC's ED decision. Will you please share?

A: Well, if you must know....he's IN!! Had to take a break from blogging to celebrate with him and three of his friends who got into H, Y and P.  But, not to worry.  We will still find plenty to be neurotic about.

 

Rejection Rehab for Parents

The Neurotic Parent Institute is in the process of purchasing land in Utah to establish a supportive, restorative environment where parents can recover from the devastation caused by Early Action and Early Decision deferrals and rejections.  The mountain-view facility, called Early Visions (because all rehab places seem to contain the word "Visions"), will provide a holistic, healing focus which will include:

- techniques to help you refrain from whining and hyperventilating in front of your kids

- seminars by financial advisors who will assure you that you would have lost all your donation money anyway in today's volatile market, or in a Ponzi scheme.

- daily inspirational councils with successful graduates of schools that kids CAN get into, like Wisconsin and Tulane.

- spiritual voodoo-based ceremonies for burning collegiate sweatshirts, destroying car decals and smashing mugs

Reasonable, introductory rates are available, with discounts for parents of kids who scored over 2250 on the SAT, or any alum whose child has received a rejection after donating an amount greater than $500,000.  The first client to sign up has already posted on College Confidential this morning:

Today, 01:32 PM

#107

WordWorld Junior Member   Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Bay Area, CA Posts: 64

DS was rejected from Stanford's SCEA on Friday. He was a very strong contender and we are rethinking and mourning. He's white but also has Hispanic ancestry on DH's side. >2200 SAT, multiple 5 APs, Math II 800 and other subject tests >750. UW GPA around 3.9, weighted around 4.3. Multiple legacy and we have donated a fair amount every single year since S was born. Biggest weakness was less than stellar EC's. His essays were pretty darn good. Not a single applicant from his very competive public high school has been accepted to Stanford in the last two years. I actually think H is taking it worse than S--when I called to tell H, he went down and ripped the Stanford license plate holder off his car with his bare hands and threw it away (at work, not in front of son!). He then came home early to pack up every piece of Stanford clothing and memorabilia (his and son's, including two of my favorite wine glasses) and put them in a box in the attic.

Early Visions is filling up rapidly!  We have had five new reservations just since I started writing this post - from parents of highly gifted, qualified kids who were just rejected from Penn, Northwestern, WashU, Cornell, and Dartmouth.  Hurry and reserve your space before Brown, Yale and Princeton announce their EA and ED results later this week.

Early Craziness

One of GC's friends just got the great news that he was accepted to his ED school.  I can't post more info here because, believe it or not, he hasn't told his parents yet. (UPDATE: They now konw. It is Cornell.) 

GC has other friends who are doing phenomenally in the process with acceptances to Dartmouth (crew), Grinnell (basketball), Bard, Wisconsin and Tulane.  Many others are waiting to hear about their Early status at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, Brown, Dartmouth, WashU, Vassar, Michigan, McGill, Bowdoin, BC, NYU and BU. 

For those who have been accepted, the general mood is not "Wow - I got into my dream school," but rather, "Thank goodness I don't have to complete any more apps and can start to slack off immediately - Bring on the senioritis!"

But on College Confidential, things are different.  The Early applicants are still working on supplements for their second and third choice schools, while compulsively refreshing their emails every five minutes to see if decisions have arrived.  Here are some random posts from kids waiting for decisions:

mba8inAZ

(applied EA to Stanford)

In less than 24 hours, I -- and 90% of all of you -- will know, officially,
THAT WE ARE WORTHLESS!

----

dartmouth49

(applied ED to Dartmouth)

i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous my best friend and I both applied ED and she has such higher grades than I do.....ahhhhhgg

---

laodicean

(applied ED to Penn)

I'm nearly certain that I won't get in, but I can't seem to move on with my life until I am explicitly informed by admissions.

---

Brown2012Hopeful

(despite the username, waiting to hear from WashU)

Oh oh....Do you think they'll start posting decisions soon (not exactly tonight...but maybe tomorrow morning...or maybe even by midnight?).  I'm so nervous!

He/She should be nervous - what if WashU finds out his/her screen name?

---

lolToasty

(wants not only to be admitted to Yale, but to enjoy an entertaining internet experience)

I know this will sound dorky, but will the singing bulldog always be there every time you log in if you get in?

---

power4good

(applied Single Choice Early Action to Harvard)

 

I just found out 5 minutes ago, that the girl I have been falling in love with for several years applied to Duke ED. I want to go to Duke now. Whatever Harvard's decision is, I don't give a F*** anymore. I don't think I'm even gonna check my e-mail on 15th...

---

bananafreak2u

(another Harvard hopeful)

lol. i wish a guy would do that for me

---

Moral: Early acceptances are nice, but at the end of the day, what matters most is love.

Last-minute Application Hysteria - Which Vacation to Ruin

LAST MINUTE APPLICATION HYSTERIA: WHICH VACATION TO RUIN

If your high school student applied Early Decision to a beloved college or a strategically-chosen likely, November 1st or November 15th were days of celebration.  By those dates a version of the Common App had to be completed, ending procrastination and endless essay revisions.

Now that November has come and gone, what sort of psychology should early applicants employ for completing their remaining 17 applications?  Some students, encouraged by independent counselors (who get paid by the hour), feel compelled to finish all 33 supplements before early results come out in mid-December.  They believe that if deferred or rejected, they will be too depressed to devote proper attention to their remaining RD (Regular Decision) apps. Students in this catagory end up with Application Insurance of sorts, but face the risk of having to write dozens of essays for naught. And they lose out on a relaxing, restorative Thanksgiving, their last one at home as a high school student.

Others who apply early believe that they should not spend one moment on any essay or application that they might not need to complete if they get accepted to their early schools.  These gamblers have even said that it is bad karma to even ponder "Why Johns Hopkins" when they have applied early to Northwestern.  Students in this catagory live dangerously, turning the application process into a true nailbiter, and often end up destroying their family's last ski trip, as they desperately work on apps until the moment the ball falls in Times Square.  

With this conundrum in mind, the Neurotic Parent Institute proposes a new anti-festival: Winter Hellday.  Falling on December 16th, prior to Christmas, Kwanzaa, the Equinox and often before Chanukah, this is a 24-hour period during which rejected and deferred early applicants must stay up all night with their bleary-eyed parents as support teams.  At the stroke of midnight on December 17th, all RD apps must be completed and turned in.  By embracing this new holiday, applicants and their families can spend the rest of their winter vacation worrying, rather than writing.

 

Thanksgiving Message to High School Seniors and their Parents

If your greatest source of stress is that darn college admissions process, be thankful.

Choosing a Low-paying Career at the Age of 17

When students compile their college lists, they are most often influenced by weather, sports teams (or lack thereof) and access to concerts/raves.  However some high school kids actually know what they want to study and seek schools that offer majors in their areas of interest.  A few practical kids go for Petroleum Engineering, a career with a whopping starting salary of up to $155k, but one that requires coursework like Chemical Methods for Subsurface Characterization, and Advanced Reservoir Fluid Analysis.  

It come as no surprise that those who choose the majors which are the most altruistic, most interesting and most important to society will never be able to support themselves.  

According to payscale.com, here are the worst-paying college degrees along with median starting and mid-career pay:  

1. Child & family studies $29,600 $40,500
2. Elementary education $32,400 $44,000
3. Social work $32,200 $44,300
4. Culinary arts $29,900 $46,800
5. Special education $34,300 $47,800
6. Recreation & Leisure $34,500 $49,100
7. Religious studies $32,900 $49,700
8. Athletic training $34,600 $50,200
9. Public health $35,500 $51,700
10. Theology $35,600 $52,000
11. Art $35,300 $52,400
12. Art history $38,300 $53,300
13. Paralegal/Law $35,300 $53,500
14. Animal science $33,800 $53,700
15. Multimedia/Web design $40,400 $53,900

Sadly, we don't know if we can trust payscale.com.  (One can only imagine how much they pay their researchers.)  In fact, we know a Public Health official who has three homes and a collection of pre-Columbian artifacts, a chef with a private plane, as wells as a web designer who charges $15k per website and is too busy to answer emails.  And we have never met a single Petroleum Engineer whilst on the gondola in Aspen.

Many students think they can increase their admissions chances if they indicate a preference for an unpopular major.  But many of the above starvation-level majors are hugely sought after.  The Neurotic Parent's best advice is to worry about one thing at a time. Having said that, if you can't stop yourself from prematurely obsessing about your student's mid-career salary, make sure his or her list includes Texas A&M, Colorado School of Mines and the University of Tulsa, all top institutions for petroleum engineers.

Our New Look/Instant Decision

The paperback edition of this blog, Neurotic Parent's Guide to College Admissions, is now a reality, so I have redesigned my blog to match the upcoming book. 

Please remember that my kids are both FULL PAY, so be kind and preorder on Amazon, while you enjoy the new graphics.  (Thanks, Kate.)

----

Texts were flying excitedly yesterday when two of GC's friends found out they were accepted to Bard, the school that gets the Neurotic Parent award for the coolest admissions policy.  Here's the deal: You read Plato and Galileo, go to campus, discuss what you've read in class, and on the very next business day you find out if you've been admitted or deferred to one of the hippest schools in the nation.

Not only that, if you choose, they will refrain from looking at your standardized tests. 

And, best of all, once you're in, you can join one of these clubs:

• (gluten-free/vegan) baking club
• Active Minds
• Bard Anime Escape!
• Bard Belly Dance Collective
• Bard Bombshells
• Bard Contra Dance
  
• Bard Freestyle Cypher
• Bard Guqin Society
• Bard Lawn Sports
• Bard Lumberjacks
• Bard Olympic Lifting Club
• Bard Paintball Club
• Bard Yarn Appreciation Society
• Beekeeping at Bard
• Biodiesel Cooperative
• Bloated Goat
• Boffing Club
• Bollywood Dance Club

Doctor Who Club Glass Blowing Collective Go Club Greek Dance Club Hands and Knees Collective Monkeys Moola Poi Joy: Poi Spinning and Fire Dancing Club Robots for Human Rights Sacred Harp Singing SMOG Socially Responsible Investment Committee Sound Crew Squeegee Collective Students for a Free Tibet Surrealist Training Circus The Mental Academy The Pin-Up Appreciation Society Tsuuuuupa Hoop Vinyl Preservation Society

Clearly, figuring out what these clubs are is more challenging than preparing intelligent comments about Plato.  The Neurotic Parent is offering a free book (publication date, March 1st) to the first Bard student who comes forward and explains Contra Dance, Squeegee Collective and Bloated Goat. I did, however, look up Guqin, and it is, of course, zither related.

 

 

 

Tales From an East Coast College Tour

Just received this report from a reader:

Setting: Columbia University Info Session

 

Chipper Admissions Dean:  What makes a school an Ivy League school? What do we all have in common?

 Eager Student:  I know.  I know.  None of you give out any merit scholarships.

 Chipper Admissions Dean (clearing throat): All of our admitted students have merit; therefore we only give out money based on financial need. The correct answer is football.

 

 

Hyper Skypers

Much has changed in the three short years between our two college-application journeys. One of the newest trends: interviews by Skype.  Great schools such as Wake Forest, Penn, Pitzer and Bard now offer applicants the chance to dress nicely from the waist up and have a chat with an alum or admissions official via a Macbook Air.

Parents of Skypers on College Confidential suggest conducting the interview in front of a "neutral, uncluttered background," but one girl we knew took the opportunity to the next level by prepping her room. She removed her Marilyn Manson poster, strategically placed her bassoon and mandolin on a shelf behind her and stacked such works as The Portable Nietzsche and Absalom, Absalom! on her desk.

Sure enough, the admissions rep asked about the instruments, and, before they ended their call, the girl had a chance to impress her Skype-mate with a few bars from Stravinsky's Rite of Spring.

This trend has inspired the Neurotic Parent Institute to offer a new service: Skype Staging, which will include wardrobe consultation and bong removal. For desperate applicants we will offer the upgraded Gold Package, featuring tips from a hair stylist, lighting director and sound guy. We will also provide the expertise of an IT expert, who will coach nervous interviewees in how to cause glitches and temporary breakdowns, such as freezing their screens, cutting off their callers, and even creating power outages when asked difficult questions.

ED Deadline Quote of the Day

From a reader by voicemail:

"Oh boy, what a day.  We...she....couldn't make up her mind, so she went with Penn.  And Cornell.  And Yale.  They're all a reach, but I hope they don't find out.  I hope they don't have a way of finding out.  Well, at least it's over.  Talk to you later."

 

Questions from Readers - Panic Time

On this momentous October SAT result day, here are some real questions I have received via email, phone or Facebook.

Q:   Do you know of any wonderful kids that didn't get in anywhere they liked, but took a gap year and then matured and went to a lovely school and lived happily ever after? Need to hear this story.

A: Lovely school - yes.  Matured - no.

--

Q:  Would you please explain to me the score choice option?  My son just got his superscore up to 2330. How does the cherry picking work?  You're the only one I trust, so I hope you don't mind.

A: I can explain everything.  But I'll only tell you if you promise me that your son doesn't apply where mine is applying.

--

Q: What is the chance of acceptance for ED as compared to RD at X University (popular top 20 midwestern school)?

A: I looked on College Confidential and several other sites and the statistic is missing!  You will need a Gold Neurotic Parent membership for me to keep investigating.

--

Q: (Chat during Facebook Scrabble Game) I have never ever looked forward to Jan as much as this year. S was concerned the impossible ED would cancel out the more impossible EA, his other fave school will be his ED2 -and the rest RD. Not what we would have chosen but it was his to decide. So he will likely now do two EAs and one priority, all but one of which is safety. The 'real school' that S should just have applied to ED will have to wait till ED2, but our best advisors say difference will be negligible. I disagree.

 A: Huh?

 

Grades from Heaven (found on Facebook)

Mom

you still have to do your homework, Allison

Penn Forgets To Tell Students That Their Prof Died

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/19/the-worst-thing-to-happen_n_970287.html

The school year got off to a rocky start for one class at the University of Pennsylvania. According to Under the Button, Professor Henry Teune's political science class convened last week only to be told that their professor had passed away over the summer.

Like · · Reshare · September 21 at 3:22pm · Privacy:

Stay Young. Stay Foolish.

Steve Jobs' remarks about college and life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA

Abroad

Mr. NP and I have just returned from visiting CJ in Italy, where he is spending a semester studying Advanced Florentine Nightlife and Introduction to EasyJet Booking.  We shared memorable meals, scenic day trips and extraordinary sunsets with our suddenly-sophisticated son and his friends.  Then we had to return to the grind, leaving CJ to fend for himself.  Without us there, he will be forced to make complicated decisions on his own, like identifying which of the three shops on his corner has the best homemade ravioli and which train offers the most direct route to Cinque Terre. 

Upon our return, we discovered that although we had missed 12th Grade Orientation, GC was well adjusted to the demands of his senior year. He had filled out "the gold form," a list for his school of the colleges where he intends to apply.  He sought advice from his dean about one of his essays, and says it will take "fiteen minutes" to address her comments.  He attended two local info sessions, one at his school, and one at a hotel. 

He also briefly considered changing his intended major from International Altruisim to Entrepreneurism because the economy crashed again while we were gone and he thought he might need to make a lot of money before saving the world. 

Bottom line/Message to Neurotic Parents: Get yourself to a trattoria in Panzano.  Order a bottle of Chianti Classico and the duck ragu with parppadelle.  Turn off your Blackberry.  And let your high school senior fend for himself.

 

 

Rankings Are Up

U.S. News & World Reports, the "news" magazine that nobody reads for news, has just announced their college rankings for 2012.  Lots of ties.  Here are the top ten.  In case you want to apply to a #5 rated school, you'll have a very comprehensive selection. 

1. Harvard/Princeton

3. Yale

4. Columbia

5. Caltech/MIT/U of Chicago/Penn/Stanford

10. Duke

 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/13/us-news-college-rankings-_n_958948.html#s359530&title=Harvard_University_Tied

Prayer for the September ACT

Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the ACT Exam tomorrow.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

-

On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the ACT exam, I beseech the Almighty ACT.org to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to figure out the equation for a parabola graphed in the standard (x,y) coordinate plan. and remember the rules of parallel structure.  May I stay awake throughout the Reading section, even if I get a passage about the Oligocene genera fauna at the beginning of the Miocene epoch.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Allow me the good fortune to be blessed with a proctor who does not clear his throat during the Science section.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O ACT Inc., provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an episode of Gossip Girl. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

Via Maffia

As one of my sons struggles to come up with a killer topic for his Common App Personal Statement, the other is settling into his new apartment on Via Maffia in Florence, where he will spend his junior semester abroad. 

Yes, Mr. NP and I are planning a short visit, so I guess we are lucky.  But we are not nearly as blessed as CJ, who gets to sip aperitivos (legally) every night at sunset, jet off to weekend with friends in Copenhagen, and take a class (for credit) called Italian Villas. 

Something's wrong with this picture: I'm the one who loves strolls through cobblestoned piazzas, who appreciates art, who finds inspiration in scenic hilltowns. If CJ gets to live this life now, what will he have to look forward to, other than being able to identify obscure kinds of pasta? 

Update: Of course, we have not heard from CJ except to let us know that he landed safely.  But the neurotic mother of his roommate did text to say she received a long email from her son to let her know that despite the street name, the boys love their apartment and that they're busy with orientaion and exploring Florence nightlife.  She also let me know that they spotted some authentic Banksy graffitti on a church wall in the Centro Storico.

Yes, my son is has finally learned to spot and appreciate art.  Perhaps at some point he''ll notice the Michaelangos and Botticellis as well.

 

24/7 Application Bootcamp/A New and Improved Country of Residence

Rising seniordom means rising anxiety.  Just heard three angst-laden stories from good sources:

1)  A rising senior flew 3,000 miles to spend a week living at a Vermont college counselor's home.  She returned with completed drafts of her Common App, Personal Statement and Supplemental Essays.

2) A rising senior's SAT tutor has moved into her guest house.

3) A concerned dad with business interests in Bangladesh is considering establishing residency there to increase his daughter's college chances.  (The caveat: He wants her to live there for a month before she attends her alumni interviews, so she will sound knowledgeable about Bangladeshi culture.)

 

 

 

A Mid-summer's Reality Check

August is the time, according to all the specialists, to get a jumpstart on all the stressful tasks that define senior year. 

After a major research study, the Neurotic Parent Institute has created two different checklists for rising seniors, one for each gender.

 

August To-do List for Girls:

1. Finalize college list

2. Download Common App

3. Complete rough drafts of three short and three long essays

4. Set up appointment with college counselor for essay feedback

5. Contact teachers to ask for recommendations

6. Write thank you notes to above teachers

7. Take weekly SAT II practice exams

8. E-mail college admissions officers with well-researched questions about potential majors

9. Organize fundraiser to benefit Tanzanian AIDs orphans

10. Shop for college interview wardrobe

Most girls we know are well on their way to completing the tasks outlined on the above list, so they will be able to focus on their challenging senior year courseloads and SAT retakes.

 

Here is the August To-do List for Boys, which demands as much as they can reasonably handle:

1. Turn on computer

2. Download Common App

3. Take a break and go to the beach - Why stress now? That's what December is for.

 

 

Questions from Readers

Q: Is it true that you have a deal to turn this blog into a book?

A: Yes.  It will be published on March 2nd.  And if GC is still waiting for admissions decisions, I will have to appear on the Colbert Report with a fake moustache. 

 

Q: Wow, that's exciting.  Will we have to read endless blog posts that we have already seen, or will the book include new material?

A: There will be plenty of new, depressing reasons why you should worry about your kid getting into college.  But because I'm not great with deadlines, there will be a lot of tried and trued stuff as well...even some of your comments.

 

Q: I am a major celebrity.  Can I write a blurb for your book?

A: As long as you don't expect me to help your kid get into college. 

 

Q: Are you planning to reply to the Tiger Scholarship Mom, who left a comment the other day?

A: You bet.  She made some great points - what's wrong with making your daughter write 67 essays if that helps her win all of her tuition money?  I am hoping that she will share some hints with us.  And maybe I can get her to help proofread.

 

 

 

Baristas/Scholarships

Nothing like the lazy days of summer to prove that a college education is not worth it.  Most of the kids we know are slaving away at internships, most earning nothing, and some extremely lucky ones taking home $9 an hour. Meanwhile, recent grads are competing for barista positions all over the nation.  One very bright and talented Barnard girl we know had FOUR interviews, including one with the owner, before she was finally hired to prepare coffee in Chelsea.  --- So, if you're planning to send your kid to college, maybe you should force your student to apply for zillions of scholarships.  Here is a report by a Tiger Scholarship Mom, whose daughter received seven merit awards, and has now exceeded her cost of attendance.  I'm imagining the lucky gal wearing an outfit from Kohls, enjoying a burrito dinner on her loftbed (just three scholarships on her enticing list - do you win goods/merchandise in addition to funds for schools?) --- If you read the following College Confidential thread carefully, it sounds as if the poster's daughter has also won some sort of lottery.  I wish I could find out, and also report how many essays this girl was forced to write, but I'm too lazy to do the research.  Any (unpaid) interns out there willing to help? 06-07-2011, 10:33 PM   #1 swicks2011 Junior Member   Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: South Carolina Posts: 102 Scholarships Applied To List Hi, I was asked to share the list of Scholarships my DD applied to so here they are: All Media NY Writing Scholarship Alvin Cox Memorial Fund Scholarship American Fire & Sprinkler Association American Public Health Association Get Ready Ashley Marie Easterbrook Scholarship Asian & Pacific Islander American AXA Achievement Scholarship Best Buy Scholarship Brandon Goodman Scholarship Body by Milk Sammy Scholarship Burger King Scholarship C. G. Fuller Foundation Scholarship - SC Only Charles L. Cummins/Mae B. Wham - LOCAL CIP Scholarship - Spring 2011 CIP Scholarship - Fall 2010 Federated Women's Club - LOCAL Kiwanis Club - LOCAL Coca-Cola Scholars Foundation Doing Good Scholarship Elks National Foundation MVS Award ESA Foundation Scholarship Freedom in Academia Scholarship Gen and Kelly Tanabe Scholarship GE-Reagan Foundation Scholarship Program Horatio Alger Scholarship ISSA Foundation Scholarship Jane E. Hunter Scholarship - OHIO or SC Janice M. Scott Memorial Fund Jimmy Rane Foundation Scholarship - NC,SC, GA,AL,OK,MO,NE, AR,TN,LA,MS, FL, KY,TX Kate Herzog Writing Awards Kennedy Foundation KFC Scholars Program Kittie Moss Fairey Educational Fund Scholarship - Must Attend SC College Kohl's Cares Scholarship Program Leopold-Schepp Foundation Scholarship Lowes Scholarship M.A. Lee Foundation McAlister Foundation Scholarship - LOCAL Mercer Silas Bailey Memorial - LOCAL OCA-AXA Asian Pacific American OCA-UPS Gold Mountain Minority OP Loftbed Scholarship RMHC-ASIA Scholarship Program Sam Walton Community Found Scholarship Scottish Rite Masonic Shepherd Scholarship Share Your Story Scholarship Simon Youth Foundation Scholarship South Carolina Sheriff’s Association - SC South Carolina State Fair Scholarship - SC Strom Thurmond Foundation - SC Sun Trust Off to College - Every Two Weeks TG Charley Wootan Grant - Outside Texas US Bank Internet Scholarship USA Funds Access to Education Scholarship Wendy’s National Heisman Award Scholarship William Orr Dingwall Asian Ancestry Grant Winthrop University CLOSE Scholarship - College Based Youth Foundation Hadden Scholarship 9 Beans and a Burrito Foundation Scholarship Abbott and Fenner Scholarship Big Sun 2011 Scholarship Breylan Communications Scholarship Directron.com Scholarship Dowd and Guild Scholarship ICBC Lawyers Scholarship Hope that helps! Take Care, Lisa

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06-14-2011, 07:20 PM	#2
bbarty Junior Member   Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 82	Wow! Thank you very much! This was very helpful. I'm a soon-to-be senior and although I was aware of a decent number of these scholarships, there are so many on here that I didn't know existed. Any thoughts from the applying/awarding of the scholarship process as to which of the scholarships seemed to be the "favorites" (most amount of money awarded, easiest to complete application for, and most fun to apply for)?
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06-21-2011, 07:32 PM	#3
ivybound1 Junior Member   Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: New England Posts: 149	Oh my... Is this a normal amount of scholarships to apply to? I've applied to one so far and that took me about a week to complete. How many did she get out of these?
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06-22-2011, 10:54 PM	#4
swicks2011 Junior Member   Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: South Carolina Posts: 102	She won 7 of them and18 of them are still pending but it doesn't really matter anymore because she exceeded her cost of attendance and now they are taking away from her SC Life scholarship (lottery money) & Federal SEOG. I have an appointment with one to see if they can wait and send the check next year when she would actually be able to benefit from it. We declined one because she no longer had a need for this school year and felt since the funds for it was limitted that we'd rather someone else get it that still had need for this coming year. She applied to 1 scholarship each week all of the past school year and 3 per week while school was out. I did all the searching and kept up with dates for her so literally just handed her which one to do next.
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06-23-2011, 03:24 PM	#5
doublerainbow99 New Member   Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 6	wow thank you so much! Your daughter is very lucky to have you help her with scholarship searches!  Can you share which numbers she used for the lottery?

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Prelude to Empty Nesting

After we put GC on a plane to his summer program, Mr NP and I set off on one of our first childless vacations ever - a summer respite at a spa in the mountains.  Which mountains?  The ones in the state where CJ attends college, of course.  That way, after three days of restorative romantic alone time, we could return to the joys of parenthood.  So here we are at our favorite hotel in CJ's college town, waiting for our son to wake up so we can help him put his belongings in storage after his stint at summer school because he's going abroad for the fall semester.  We thought we could make ourselves useful doing laundry and taping boxes, but it seems we only need to wash two towels (the other four are missing), one sheet and one duvet cover.  And the schlepping will involve just a few books, a fridge, a t.v. (which he somehow acquired without purchasing) and a floor lamp.

Everything else is already packed in two medium-sized duffles.  In fact, it was never unpacked after spring semester.  CJ has survived the summer semester in an apartment on campus with no tempurpedic pad ("it fell apart") no clip-on reading light, no message board, no shower caddy, no pop-up hamper, no tool kit.  Virtually all of the supposedly-essential items that we enthusiastically purchased for him when he started on this journey two years ago have disappeared, and our son has embraced live the Simple Life.

Parents of rising freshmen take note: Donate your BB&B coupons to the homeless, purchase two towels, give your kid a hug and head to the mountains.

The Calm Before the Storm

School has been out for almost two weeks now.  And, before all the internships, summer programs and application bootcamps begin, GC and his friends have transformed themselves into happy, healthy stress-free teens. 

Their activities:

- a 3-hour night scavenger hunt, organized by two of the girls. 

- Trampoline World

- daily basketball (although GC is now on the injured list)

- reading (!)

- documentary night

- foreign film night

- Magic Mountain

- beach day

- cooking dinner for each other

The boys are rested, surprisingly talkative and...mature (!)  And the girls are fascinating and adorable.  Make that stunning.  How to preserve this bliss?  Why can't Good Clean Summer Fun be an accepted extracurricular?

Sacrificing

We have entered another dimension of time and space: CJ is a college junior.  And as of 3pm this afternoon, GC is a high school senior...and we are officially old people.

What a ride: It's too bad we cannot relax and enjoy one more year of pre-empty nest quality time with our teen, but instead have to deal with Early vs. Regular strategies, biting nails over test scores, proofreading activity lists, and agonizing over whether it was a mistake to not include Bowdoin and Bates on our tour.  

But at least we haven't blown all our retirement money on remedial help for our kids.  In yet another NYT piece about the outrageous level of out-of-control educational spending in New York, there is an account of a Riverdale Country School family that paid $35,000 in a year to one tutor from Ivy Consulting.  (This did not include the $100k+ they spent the previous year on SAT prep.)  The $35,000 accounted for preparation for one oral exam, the culmination of one high school course -$750 - $1500 a week for the year. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/08/education/08tutors.html?_r=1&hpw

The Neurotic Parent Institute has done some preliminary research about the class in question, and has discovered that it is not AP Calculus or Physics, but rather an interdisciplinary course called "Integrated Liberal Studies."  According to Wikipedia, there are "readings and assignments covering Western culture, surveying classical philosophy as well as the history of science, and featuring literature, religion and arts components." And the reason the class is so notorious is because it uses "source material" (real books) rather than textbooks.

I started this post somewhat depressed about the melancholy fleeting moments of youth, the circle game cliché that has taken over my life. But now I am energized, now I have something to look forward to. 

As soon as my youngest leaves the house I can move to a Hudson-view townhouse in Riverdale and become a Liberal Studies tutor. 

As a source material aficionado who is as liberal as they come, I am super-qualified to prepare kids for oral presentations.  Just ten students at $1500 each a week comes to $780,000 a year -  considerably more than I earn in the entertainment industry or as a blogger. 

I had planned to use this post to rant about how B's, once defined as "good," are now the end of the world.  But it is the pressure of those potential B's that make parents spend more on a tutor than on tuition at an Ivy. 

What joy it is to have found my cause: As soon as I brush up on my classical philosophy, I am prepared to devote the next stage of my life wiping out B's at Riverdale.

The right spelling errors = Admission to Harvard

We all know that China puts the U.S. to shame economically.  But for some weird reason, Chinese parents want their kids to study at our brand-name universities.

As most of you know, this is not so easily accomplished.  Even perfect students here find that Ivy admissions are a crapshoot.  But the Chinese have managed to figure out exactly how to win the game.  For fees starting at $15k, you can hire ThinkTank Learning and they will fill out your app, write your essay, help you come up with stand-out extracurriculars, tutor you until you get a 2250+ on the SAT and even bribe your high school teachers to change some of your grades. 

And, best of all, according to the New York Times, you no longer have to live in China to benefit from these services.  Six centers have now opened in northern California, with more to come.

ThinkTank, which netted $7 million last year, said they were "able to distill the college admissions process into an exact science."  Founder Steven Ma compared his methods to genetic engineering. "We make unnatural stuff happen," he said. "There’s a system built by colleges designed to pick out future stars and we are here to crack that system."

Although these "aggressive practices have been condemned by many American colleges," companies such as ThinkTank - and there are many others in China - are booming.

"Students, whose parents often pay tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars, are molded by ThinkTank into well-rounded, socially conscious overachievers through a regimen often beginning as early as the year before entering high school," said Mr. Ma, a former investment banker.

Because of the poor English skills of ThinkTank clients, this can be a challenge.  “We really have to hold their hand...including deliberately leaving spelling errors in their essays so they look authentic...and building extracurricular activities from the ground up."

"ThinkTank has founded Model United Nations groups, built a Web site (sic) for a Shanghai student’s photography project to get news media coverage and helped another obtain funding to build a hydroelectric generator."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, I did not make this up.  I found it in the NY Times.

 http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/30/business/global/30college.html?_r=1

A bit incredulous that a company would brag to the press about their unethical practices, I checked out ThinkTank's dense, unstylish website, which looks as if it were designed by the guys who leave carpet cleaning flyers on your windshield.  You would think ThinkTank would be somewhat embarrassed (or potentially litigious) about the questionable methods discussed in the article, but instead, they proudly have displayed a link to the Times piece. They even have lists of SAT scores and photos of their smiling clients holding up their big envelopes from Stanford and Harvard.

I have put in a call to ThinkTank to inquire about a position as a spelling error consultant.  Nobody is more adept than I at writing essays with a typo here or there.  For a massive fee, I would even be willing share my vast knowlege about authentic teen mistakes, including "definately" and "existance."  But so far, I have not heard back. 

Meanwhile, for the sake of our economy, let's hope that lots of these ThinkTank kids fraudulently get into Harvard.  Then, the first time they write an essay on their own, they will probably not include enough spelling errors to satisfy their professors, giving the competitive edge to the American kids who have beaten the system.

My New Extracurricular

Yesterday I participated in a Japanese woodcarving class in my friend's courtyard.  I signed up without knowing that this would be a spiritual, meditative activity, rather than an art project.  The point is to choose a piece of wood and whittle away, letting the object shape itself, rather than planning what you want to create.  There are a few unwritten rules: try not to cut yourself, don't keep dropping your sculpture and if possible, refrain from talking. 

Halfway through the process, I began to relax and de-stress.  I stopped worrying that everyone else's work looked like an egg, a whale or a giant chopstick, while mine was "nothing."  I didn't even care that the compliments I received were about the grain of my wood, rather than what I had carved.  For once, I was free to enjoy the ride and not care about the outcome.

Ah, if only the college process could shape itself like this, I thought.  Take a block of rough wood, focus on the journey rather than the destination, and poof! you end up with something smooth and functional, something that was meant to be.

My happy, zen ponderings dissapated when I broke rule #3 and began to chat with my carving buddy, a  young woman who sipped green iced tea as she whittled.  Although she was a first-timer like me, her piece of wood had transformed itself into the kind of pendant you could purchase at Barney's, while mine looked like a marked-down souvenir from the Maui airport.

The small talk did, in fact, to turn out to be a huge mistake:  My cool fellow carver was, I kid you not, ....an SAT tutor.  And once she found out I was the Neurotic Parent, all she wanted to talk about was whether the UC's really do want subject tests this year, even though they say they don't. 

So much for meditation and sprirituality.

 

American Idol Finale Delays May SAT Scores

Test takers all over the nation were disappointed this evening to learn that their May SAT results would be delayed by forty-eight hours.  Hundreds of anxious students posted on CollegeConfidential.com, expressing dismay.

jd989899 suggested that  "Maybe this is due to all the tornadoes...the graders couldn't come in to work."

may09sat theorized that "...the Rapture had something to do with it."

Another poster, cortana431 , did some investigative googling and found out that "this happened in 2006 when some answer sheets were found to be damp." 

Many angry, impatient students on the site mentioned that they would be willing to forgive the College Board for the two-day wait if the testing agency had decided to readjust the curve at the last minute.

MMAfAnatic9  was not so kind.  He or she asked other posters to weigh in on whether they thought the College Board was "...having technical problems, or just being a bunch of lazy asses."

After a full-fledged investigation, The Neurotic Parent has uncovered the true reason for the score report delay: The graders couldn't resist taking a break to watch the two-hour season finale of American Idol. 

We reached Gaston Caperton, the President of the College Board, who said, "Our staffers were unable to finish uploading exam results until they found out whether Scotty or Lauren would be the new Idol.  Now that they have seen Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Tom Jones, Tony Bennett and Judas Priest perform with the contestants, the majority will go back to reporting scores."

Caperton, a former governor of West Virginia, clarified that the scoring hiatus would last until the weekend.  "All of us at the College Board are obsessed with reality television," he said, "as evidenced by our recent choice of essay topics.  Although Idol is over, some of our employees feel compelled to catch up on episodes of Dancing With the Stars and Fashion Police before they get back to work, but we promise to get those results up by Saturday."

 

---

Junior Prom Afterparty

(This post has been removed by the moderator - tagged for inappropriate content.)

Junior Kumon Offers Botox for Preschoolers

Goodbye bubbles, hello bubbling.  The NYT reported yesterday that there are now almost 40 Junior Kumon centers in New York, where two-year olds can begin prepping for the SAT exams they will take in the year 2027. 

The director of the Battery Park Center acknowledged that spaces in the class are hard to come by, but "...if they’re out of a diaper and can sit still with a Kumon instructor for 15 minutes, we will take them.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/fashion/with-kumon-fast-tracking-to-kindergarten.html

As part of this program, we have discovered that Junior Kumon plans to offer preschoolers enrichment in other areas necessary for kindergarten acceptance:

- oboe lessons (most top kindergartens already have their quota of violinists)

- C++ and Python proficiency (with Java offered for those who stay after naptime)

- Calc II flashcards during snack (extra Goldfish crackers for those who master parametric equations)

- dissection of the class bunny (utilizing patented blunt-pointed surgical tools)

- singalongs to Rigoletto and Götterdämmerung

- Botox injections in the dress-up corner (for those unsightly pout lines)

One of the parents quoted in the NYT piece said that her "...children also take swimming, karate, music, art and German classes...but she would not think of giving up Kumon."  These kids do have to quit playing hide and seek, digging in the sandbox and eating Play Doh.  But hey, if you can't figure out the surface area of a prism by the time you're three, you might has well give up your chances of ever getting into MIT.

 

Educational Consultant Scam

It has come to the attention of the Neurotic Parent Institute that there are specialists who charge $300-$400 an hour to help eighth graders (of the male gender) organize their backpacks.  This is in anticipation of ninth grade, when suddenly everything will "count." 

A word to the wise: Not a prudent investment.  Our rising junior son just came home from a top college, where he is doing reasonably well in a difficult major, and his backpack STILL resembles a trash can.  But at least this year he did not bring home any 3.5" flying roaches.

Vanity License Plate?

Spotted on Sunset Boulevard by a reader:

ACT 33

The Neurotic Parent Institute has tracked down the owner of the car, who said that he also had scored 2210 on the SAT.  But when he tried to order those plates, SAT 2210 was already taken.

Low Battery

This morning, as I was volunteering at a charity event, I noticed that I had received two missed calls from an unfamiliar area code (610).  When I dialed that number, a very polite young man answered and told me that he was with my son CJ at "beach week." He said that CJ's phone was not charged, but that my son had borrowed his phone to wish me a happy mothers day.  He couldn't locate CJ at the moment, but would give him the message that I returned his call.

Not long after, I received notification of another missed call from a different area code, this time one that I recognized (914), a region where several friends of mine reside.  Thinking the call had come from one of those loved ones, I called that number, and again, one of CJ's fraternity brother answered.  He explained that CJ had borrowed his phone to wish me a happy mothers day, and he promised to let my son know that I had phoned.

About two hours later, CJ called, this time from his own number. 

"Mom - Why are you calling all of my friends?" he asked. 

I told him that I was just returning my mystery missed calls.  He said that he had left me voicemails with instructions NOT to bother his friends, even though he had indeed used their phones to wish me a happy mothers day.  I told him that Verizon hadn't yet gotten it together to notify about my voicemails.  And besides, even if they had, if kids don't ever listen to voicemails, why should I? 

Then, because the Lakers were in the middle of an epic loss, I played the part of the sensitive mom, and did not ask why, after months of no communication, he hadn't waited until his phone was charged to get in touch. 

 

Prayer for the SAT's and Subject Tests

Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the SAT Exams today.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

-

On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the SAT exams/the SAT Subject Tests, I beseech the Almighty College Board to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May I stay awake through the Critical Reading section, even if I get a passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O College Board, provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

 

Double Feature

You may remember that we have an older son, CJ (Cerebral Jock), as of today, a rising college junior. I have not mentioned him recently because we have not heard from him in several months, except the occasional text to let us know that he had lost his wallet...or needed cash to rent an RV to drive to Mardi Gras...or had suddenly decided to attend summer school.  

But yesterday, he shockingly called at 7:45am, which meant that he was awake at the ungodly hour of 10:45am EST.  He was phoning to let us know that he had starred in a 12-minute motion picture, a final project for his film class.  The members of the course were asked to nominate the most outstanding student films, then the winners would be announced at a class gala, an Academy awards ceremony of sorts.  CJ said that his group's movie had not been as well received as others, but had garnered one nomination: Best Actor. 

How proud we were!  But when we asked if he could bring home the footage for us to see, he said that he didn't think we would like it as much as the other film he had starred in for his Italian class. 

Two lead roles in one semester - What an accomplishment that would be for a young thespian.  Too bad our son is majoring in computer science.

 

 

 

Testing Q's & A's

Wherever I go, all anybody talks about is standardized testing.  Today, at a charity planning luncheon, I even had a heated discussion about Yale's policies with a lovely acquaintance.  So, as a public service, here are the most common queries about the various offerings and requirements:

Q: What is a superscore?

A: A superscore is achieved by choosing the best subscores from multiple sittings of the same test.  (I know, a "sitting" sounds like you're posing for a portrait, but bear with me.)  For example, let's assume you have these SAT results from these three sittings:

Sitting 1: 800M, 500CR, 450W 

Sitting 2: 600M, 410CR, 780W

Sitting 3: 510M, 740CR, 530W

Your composite scores would be 1750, 1790 and 1780, but your superscore would be 2320.

 

Q: Wow - do colleges superscore the ACT as well?

A: Not many superscore the ACT because they'd have to work with five separate numbers, including a composite that often has been rounded up or rounded down.  That would require advanced math skills, which would be too confusing even for most colleges.  Except MIT, of course.  They will even cross-superscore the SAT with the ACT...because they can.

 

Q: Do you have to send in all your standardized test scores to Yale, even the ones that suck?

A: No, that's Penn.  For Yale, their website says, "As long as you provide a complete set of score reports from one testing agency (either the College Board or ACT, Inc.), you are not required to report scores from both. You can choose to report either all of your SAT results (both SAT and SAT Subject Tests) or all of your ACT results. If you want us to have any scores from both the College Board and ACT, Inc., you must report all scores from both testing agencies.  And if you're having trouble understanding this, you probably shouldn't be applying to Yale."

 

Q: I thought that the SAT and the ACT offered score choice (the right to choose...and only send in your impressive scores).

A: They do, but Yale wants to find out if sitting for standardized exams was your only extracurricular activity.  And they promise not to peek at your lousy scores.

 

Q: I heard you could cancel your scores so nobody will see them. 

A: The SAT offers you a morning-after pill of sorts: if you were fooling around the night before or felt queasy during the exam, you can cancel before you find out your scores.  But the more-progressive ACT, which also allows you to guess without penalty, will let you terminate whenever. 

 

Q: Do you really believe that Yale doesn't care about SAT Subject Tests if you send in an ACT score?   

A: Just to make sure, you can also submit the results of your APGAR test - That's the score babies get from their doctors right after they are born.  Yale's APGAR average is 9.8.

 

Q: What's with the writing section of the SAT?  Some fine colleges, like Cornell, say they don't count the SAT writing, yet if you choose to take the ACT, they want you to take that with writing.

A: You're right - some things are just not logical - or fair.  Even I, the Neurotic Parent, cannot write a decent essay in 25 minutes, especially using a number 2 pencil while sitting in a stuffy classroom surrounded by smelly teenagers.  But maybe I'd have success if they'd let me write about reality t.v...

 

Q: Let's get back to this ACT thing.  That sounds awesome - no SAT II's!  But I don't get those wacky science graphs.  Where can I find a good ACT tutor in LA?

A: Unfortunately, the ACT is very...er...midwestern.  Because of this, only one test prep company on the west coast claims to have ACT specialists as tutors. And they charge $880 per session (not including parking validation).  But the Neurotic Parent Institute, always resourceful, has located the top ACT tutors in the country.  They are in Evanston, IL and charge $40 an hour.  So for the price of one $880 session in LA, you can fly to Chicago TWICE for tutoring, and also splurge on a Cubs game, a taxi to and from O'Hare and a deep dish pizza.

Traffic 101

The phone has been ringing off the hook because every parent in GC's class wants to know if the College Case Study night we're supposed to attend this evening is really mandatory.  (Somehow, they think I know the answer.)  The event features a simulation game during which we pretend we're admissions officers with the power to accept and reject students, based on faux common apps. We also get to schmooze with real admissions people. 

For the Neurotic Parent, there is no question that this night is a landmark event in our college journey.  But for most other parents, the idea of driving to the heart of Hollywood during rush hour and then taking a shuttle several miles to the site of the event, is beyond comprehension. 

We may be willing to send our kids to college in Maine or Minnesota, but no Angeleno in his or her right mind is willing to travel East of Sepulveda at 6pm. 

ACT Seeks Part-time Workers - Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays preferred

The ACT posted results of their April 9th exam last night, promptly at midnight, Iowa time.  But, unfortunately, a huge chunk of the exams have not yet been graded, and many students will have to wait for their scores. 

More and more kids are choosing to take the ACT instead of the SAT because it is kinder and gentler - doesn't penalize you for guessing, doesn't try to trick you, and doesn't expect you to quote Nietzsche in your essay. 

But at least the less-nurturing College Board can get it together to give all test takers their results at once, while the ACT randomly releases scores over a five-week period.  This leaves hundreds of thousands of kids biting their nails, wondering why they were passed over by the scoring gods, uncertain whether to keep studying, sign up for a retake, or bail and switch to the SAT.

Many frustrated students on College Confidential who haven't received scores are angry at the ACT.  But the Neurotic Parent Institute's position is that we feel sorry for the well-meaning midwestern non-profit testing org.  Clearly, although almost 1.5 million kids paid to take the exam, ACT, Inc. is short on full-time staff. 

Here is what they have posted on their site for students who did not receive scores:

After you test, you can check to see if your scores are available online. Multiple-choice scores from this test date will be first posted online beginning April 25 through June 3, 2011.

If your scores are not available on the first date listed above, plan to check back weekly up through the last date listed. Scores are processed and added each week, usually each Wednesday and Friday. Normally, all scores are reported by 8 weeks after the test date. There is no option for speeding the processing of scores.

If you take the ACT Plus Writing, your Writing scores will be posted as soon as they are ready, normally about 2 weeks after your multiple-choice scores. Your scores cannot be reported until after your Writing scores have been added.

For a company that is in the business of composing a reading comprehension test, the "check back weekly" on Wednesdays and Fridays part is a tad confusing.  Should you check back just on Wednesdays, or on Fridays as well ?  If you check back on both, isn't that, in fact, twice a week?

And, sorry ACT, but two other sentences need work:

- Normally, all scores are reported by 8 weeks after the test date. 

- Your scores cannot be reported until after your Writing scores have been added.

For starters, in the first sentence, the one-digit number should be spelled out.  And more seriously, in the second sentence, it must be clarifed that scores cannot be reported to colleges.

Using my critical reading skills (honed years ago for the SAT exam), it seems as if the poor guys at ACT, Inc. are not only experiencing sentence construction and ambiguity issues, but they also lack a proper staff.  You would think it would be a priority to grade tests on other days besides Wednesdays and Fridays, but I guess those were the only times they were able to find some nice folks from the neighborhood to help them out.

So if you live in Iowa, are free on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, and uploading standardized tests is your passion, I would contact the ACT asap.  Then you can write your essay about how you utilized your efficiency skills to relieve the the anxiety of a bunch of stressed-out high school kids.

 

What Not to Write About

Here's the report on no-no essay topics from the admissions deans at the nine schools we visited:

- The death of a pet

- The death of a grandparent

- The illness of a pet

- The illness of a grandparent

- I went to (fill in name of developing country) and learned that everyone there is just the same as the people in my hometown of Greenwich, CT.

- My Internship at Prada in Milano

- What I Think about When I Run Uphill

 

Shameless Plug for the University of Wisconsin

Are college tours for high school juniors a waste of time and money?  Not always.  For one of GC's friends, the endless delayed flights, frigid temperatures, redundant info sessions and 8:00am wake-up calls were well worth it.  This student, whose love letter to Wisco showed up on my Facebook page (because I am "friends" with one of the commenters), has, remarkably, already discovered his dream college.  And he wants to make sure at least one of his friends attends as well. 

Maybe he was brainwashed by a cute tour guide or a chill frat party....but even if so, I just might want to hire him as my publicist, after he gets his degree from UW, of course.

Here is his slightly-edited Facebook pitch, a fast-paced dialog between him and another one of GC's close friends, who was also on the circuit:

• Outdoor Enthusiast dog ur gunna love wisco     
  
• 30 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain maybe idk
• 23 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast i was just there. i promise there is noone who will like it better than u

  21 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast more fortune 500 ceos than harvard buisness

  21 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain im not looking at it lol

  20 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthsiast you should really try to dude i promise u will love it

  20 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain maybe idk lol

  19 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
•  Outdoor Enthusiast its u dog

  19 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain haha... idk ill check it out

  19 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast dude u dont understand i hung out with a fool that was a 21 year old version of you

  18 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain thts dope ill check it out

  18 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain like what do u want me to say haha

  18 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast COMMIT

  17 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast were going there together

  17 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain idk dude bc and still have to see NU and Vandy

  17 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain and I liked GW

  16 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast the fool i was with got into northwestern, vandy, duke and chose wisco

  16 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain thats chill idk if ill do that if that happens but i love ur advice dog thanks ill check it out hahah

  15 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast  haha where have u looked so far

  15 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain liked virginia, bu, nyu, north carolina...loved BC and GW

  14 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast  You liked NYU? And why wud u go to BC?

  13 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain i love boston and u still have that sport/campus life feel... 

  11 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast wisco has the same thing

  9 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthiast seriously

  9 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast it blew my mind

  9 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast the chillest teams

  9 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain im glad u liked it... 

  8 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast im telling

  8 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast u dude u will love it u must see it

  8 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast the basketball and foot ball stadiums are like right on campus

  8 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusaist the town is so chill, feels like ny

  7 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain lol we'll see

  7 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast everything is walking

  7 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Team Captain so ur probably gonna go there?

  7 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
•  Outdoor Enthusiast i mean well see still have alot to see

  6 minutes ago · LikeUnlike
• Outdoor Enthusiast but as of now yes

  6 minutes ago ·

____

LIKE!  At least one young man has found his academic nirvana.  At least someone is engaged.  And at least for one family can reap the benefits of this college touring madness.

Meal Plan

Shockingly, when I weighed myself after returning from our college tour, I discovered that I had lost two pounds in eleven days.  I am pleased to share this cutting edge nutritional program with interested readers.  In a nutshell, the secret is to eat like a college student and indulge in fatty or fried foods, candy and desserts all day long.  Food choices should be items that you haven't eaten in 35 years and you would never consider ingesting at home. It also helps to travel with friends who start the day with waffles or a three-egg omelette.  And immediately after eating, go up to your room and take a nap, or get into a minivan for a sedentary 4-hour ride across several states.

CORE FOODS:

- Meatball Heros

- Falafel

- Hush Puppies

- Pizza (for breakfast)

- Pulled Pork

- Fried Rice

- Mashed Potatoes

- Five-course family-style pasta tasting

- Turkey sandwich on half a loaf of homemade rye

- CPK Chinese Chicken Salad (for the plane - put aside won ton chips, then eat them in a moment of weakness later in the flight.)

- Flight snacks: any 3-bag combo of Pita chips, Peanuts, Pretzels, SW Plane Crackers, Double-size M&Ms

- Car snacks: Brownies (stolen from the Wesleyan dining hall), Trail mix, Power Bars, Sunflower seeds

- Fish - Must be sauteed in butter and covered with cream sauce

- Salads - Order with dressing on the side; when it arrives smothered in dressing, don't send it back.

- Popeye Chicken Tenders (Road trips on the east coast just aren't the same without In 'n Out)

- Stella Artois on tap

- Free candy bars (thanks, WashU)

- Bananas Foster (thanks again, WashU)

 

EXERCISE COMPONENT:

No traditional aerobic activity, but it is essential to include a daily 2.5 mile stroll on a freezing or windy/rainy campus. Or from Concourse A to F in a large airport.  It also helps to travel with an unhelpful teenager, who does not offer to lift your backpack, which should contain at least 45 pounds of college brochures.

 

MAINTAINANCE:

I wish I could stay on this program now that I'm home, but unfortunately, the only foods that are available in my neighborhood are sashimi and kale. 

 

Prayer for the ACT

Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the ACT Exam tomorrow.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

-

On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the ACT exam, I beseech the Almighty ACT Inc. to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May I stay awake through the Reading section, even if I get a passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O ACT Inc., provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

 

Comparative Education

Yes, folks.  We are STILL on our college tour.  We have now been on the road for ten days.  We have visited seven schools in seven states, plus one federal district.  We have rented four cars, taken three flights, one train and one bus.  And at the moment, we are currently at Logan International Airport (with free Wifi and rocking chairs), happily waiting for a Southwest flight to Chicago (which we hope won't have holes in the fusilage), where we connect to St. Louis (which GC hopes won't be a "lame" city), where we visit the fabled WashU.

We have met up with five of our older son CJ's childhood friends, all now young adults/apartment dwellers, who have shown GC the real side of college life at their universities.  And we have run into countless other kids from the SoCal area.  At Wesleyan, GC attended the info session with five kids from his chem class.  And at Penn, GC hugged and/or fist pumped a whole tour bus of students from our rival high school. 

This morning, GC almost attended a Comparative Education class at Brown with CJ's former soccer buddy CE (Crossword Expert, whose many accomplishments include writing Monday and Friday puzzles for the NY Times, and being a long-time reader of this blog).  But the class met at 9:00 am, not in the cards for GC.  A pity, because our trip has been a living comparative education lab.  Here are some of the superlatives:

MOST OUTSTANDING TOUR GUIDE - MIDWEST - Aforementioned Atlanta native at Northwestern.

MOST OUTSTANDING TOUR GUIDE - NORTHEAST - Mr. Diction, a Brown junior from the suburbs of Boston.  As our umbrellas were turned inside out by gusty winds, Mr. D, a DJ on campus and varsity rower, convinced us all that Brown was heaven with "the happiest students on earth."  And he clearly had taken a creative non-fiction course: Instead of instructing us to notify him if he was about to "hit something" while walking backwards (like the tour guides everywhere else) he told us to let him know if he was about to "fall off a cliff."

BUSIEST STUDENT - Another one of the Brown tour guides, originally from Cincinnati.  She recently petitioned the administrtion and instituted a subsection of a department, focusing on Developing Regions of the World.  A four-year volleyball varsity player, she also builds houses for Habitat for Humanity in Uganda, and has overseen reasearch in Ecuador. And she is a Peer Advisor as well as a tour guide.  (All this at a school that, like the others, advises prospective high school students to stick to one or two extracurriculars).

BEST MEAL - Most were decent, good or great, except the fast food in Midway.  Standouts include the Q Shack in Durham, Zingerman's Deli in Ann Arbor, Red Stripe Brasserie in Providence and Eataly in NY.

BEST FOOD ON CAMPUS - Penn, by far.  The sushi in the student union may not be quite on the level of Nobu, but it is a cut above Whole Foods.  And the stir fry looked just as tasty.  Plus there are food trucks lining the perimeter of the campus with very exotic-looking offerings.

LEAST CALORIC MEAL - N/A

WORST WEATHER - Tie between Ann Arbor, Evanston (both in the teens) and Providence (wind and rain).

BEST WEATHER - Glorious spring in Durham (no contest)

MOST AIR QUOTES BY INFO SESSION PRESENTERS - Brown (no contest)

MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT - Mr. NP (who met us in Durham) has a Droid restaurant app that made a slot machine sound during an info session.

MOST OBNOXIOUS QUESTION BY A PARENT:

Q: What percentage of professors during a given semester are actually teaching? 

A:  All professors teach undergraduate courses.

Q: Yes, I know that, BUT, I asked SPECIFICALLY how many teach during a given semester.  Suppose there are fifty professors.  What percentage of them are actually teaching in a given semester?

A: Well, you can ask that question to the Dean of Admissions.

(I didn't get this at all...This was at a school with academic awesomeness: why would anyone care if all the professors didn't teach every semester?)

MOST ACRONYMS: Georgetown (a few of the many examples: GERMS- Georgetown Emergency Response Medical Service; GULC -Geogetown University Law Center; CHARMS - Campus Housing Roomate Matching System) 

MESSIEST LIVING SITUATION: That would be our older son CJ's dorm. 

MOST TEDIOUS EXPLANATION:  A detailed description about the difference between Varsity, Club and Intramural sports.  We usually endured this lesson twice at each college, once by the admissions dean and once by the tour guides.     

NEWEST TREND ON CAMPUS: Quidditch, a cappella groups and neuroscience are so 2009.  Nowadays you hear more about sustainable dorms, Robots who have heart attacks, and Ultimate.  But Michigan still brags about its squirrel club.

MOST DIVERSITY: One of our student info session leaders was named Hamlet. What's in a name? Clearly, his parents knew this would help get him into a top school. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the Fiske?!?

In New York, while GC was living it up at MM's uncle's townhouse, I stayed with a dear college friend, CMG (Chic Marketing Genius), whose senior daughter, HP (Hip Photographer) was recently admitted early to Skidmore.  That means that the time has come for the normally-calm CMG to begin panicking about her son, a high school sophomore.  She said that he was thinking about a west coast liberal arts school and asked if I had any suggestions.  I immediately thought of Lewis and Clark, a favorite with engaged SoCal kids who want to stay on the west coast and experience life in the very cool city of Portland.

CMG raced over to a bookshelf full of art books and pulled out her trusty Fiske Guide.  But, sadly, she could not find the entry about Lewis and Clark.  I assured her that it had been included in my Fiske Guide; I was certain because I had memorized the entire publication. 

A closer inspection revealed that someone had REMOVED the page.  CMG knew the offender had to be a house guest, because I was staying in her guest apartment, where other visitors would have access to her college library.  To confirm this, she checked under the S's and the page for Scripp's was also missing.  Now CMG could be certain of the identity of the culprit - just recently a relative from Boston had stayed with her and had mentioned that her daughter was thinking about Scripp's.  Obviously, Lewis and Clark was on her list as well. 

So applying dentist-office ethics, this ill-mannered guest pocketed the info she needed. This, my friends, sets a record for both extreme college angst, as well as rude houseguest behavior.  It's okay to steal some Q-tips (as I did), but never, ever tear pages out of your host's Fiske guide.