THE NEUROTIC PARENT™

Commencement

Our son CJ has graduated from college, just moments, it seems after we were the snack parents for the T-ball game. In addition to posing for photos in the pouring rain and the blinding sun, we managed to attend all of the following events, many without the right outfits:

- Dinner with sophomore roommate's family (from New Jersey)

- Baccalaureate ceremony

- President's reception

- Fraternity cocktail party

- Dinner with junior roommate's family (from New York)

- Drinks with current roommate's family (from Honduras)

- Dessert event in the Gardens

- Breakfast at the Stadium

- Commencement procession and ceremony

- Departmental diploma ceremony and reception 

- Mother's Day Dinner

- Packfest at the condemn-worthy dwelling where CJ spent his senior year

and, since we've been back:

- Dukan diet to counteract the effects of all of the above

- Graduation BBQ (relatives)

- Pre-K reunion (awww, so sweet....especially the screening of "The World is a Rainbow," with over the top hand motions and class bunny reaction shots from graduation in 1996.)

- BBQ and photo op with kindergarten friend with whom CJ spent the last seventeen years.

And, of course, no round of graduation festivities would be complete without a seven-hour ordeal at the emergency room when GC injured his hand at 11pm the night before the commencement ceremony. There was also the visit to the hand surgeon for a redo of many stiches and other procedures done in the ER.  All is fine now, and GC fully participating in his internship with just a bandaid on the injured area - thanks for asking.

But our Machu Picchu plans quickly morphed into a less edgy retreat to Santa Fe, where everyone got a well-deserved deep tissue massage. The Neurotic Parent took a blog hiatus becaus of a) the emotionally overwhelming cap and gown newsfeed on FB and b) a new obsession with virtual apartment hunting for CJ's first real world dwelling.  Much to be said about that when I figure out how much can be revealed...and whether I'm invited for the upcoming Ikea run.

NEXT: Where they are now - Paths chosen by kids mentioned in the original 2008 blog

 

Mothers Day

Off to four days of graduation fun, culminating on Mothers Day, a sea of hats celebrating the beginning of the real world for him and the end of tuition payments for us. Like a destination wedding without the Spanx: Eight official events, plus random breakfasts, receptions, cocktail parties, dinners, garden parties, UPS drama and parking nightmares. All in the rain, if you can trust the meteorology majors who predict the weather. 

Top clichés that are repeated over and over again:

1. So many emotions

2. Impossible to believe

3. Four (five, six) years flew by

4. My baby - all grown up

5. Me - too grown up

6. He worked so hard

7. So proud (especially of that final grade - an A in Hip Hop Appreciation)

 

 

Want to be a guest on HuffPost Live?

I'm moderating a segment about the insane state of college admissions on HuffPost Live, the new streaming video network. We're looking for fellow neurotic parents who would like to appear via webcam. The producers want to hear true tales from people all over the world, "the crazier their stories, the better." You can remain anonymous, and even wear a ski mask.

Please send me an email at theneuroticparent@gmail.com or leave a comment if interested.

 

The Circle Game

Three and a half weeks until college graduation. '13 seemed so futuristic back in '09. Here it is. And here I am, about to be the parent of...yikes, a member of the work force.

My diversion at the moment is that we've decided to visit Machu Picchu on the way home. This means I can worry about altitude sickness instead of how this milestone certifies that I am indeed getting very, very old.

Inspirational news from CJ's and GC's little high school: 7 into Stanford, 4 into Yale, 3 into Brown. Several in waitlist limbo, but the kids in our little progressive community are indeed hitting it out of the ballpark. I guess all their parents read The Neurotic Parent's Guide to College Admissions.

 

 

 

Waitlist Central

As Ivy decisions are released, we have received dozens of emails from parents whose kids are now in limbo. And this message appears on College Confidential:

College Confidential Message

The server is too busy at the moment. Please try again later.

 

You Tour - You're In - Science is Hard - You Graduate - You Look for Work

QUOTES FROM THE COLLEGE TOUR CROWD:

"NYU tour is full."

"Fordham tour is full."

"Three hundred people on the Tufts tour."

"Saw MC (high school friend)- He says Harvard is EASY compared to high school."

"Autocorrect changes 'Harvard' to 'Barbara' on iPhone."

"Mom, you were supposed to stay on the 95!"

 

QUOTES FROM PARENTS ABOUT COLLEGE LIFE

"My son goes to the #2 school for hot girls and the #4 school for food."

"Pledging, UGH."

"Physics at Yale is HARD - Our daughter got the first B of her life."

"The arts are back: STEAM is the new STEM." (this from the head of PR at a major rocket science research organization.

"Our daughter's BF comes from a bad gene pool."

"Our son's GF's family has a private plane."

 

QUOTES FROM KIDS ABOUT COLLEGE LIFE:

"I never got lower than an A- in high school. Now I'm thrilled with Bs. Science is hard in college."

 

QUOTES ABOUT THE JOB MARKET:

"The daughter of a family in our building went to Princeton, but hasn't found a job yet because her family doesn't know anyone."

 

ACCEPTANCE TALLY:

Congrats to all who have been recently accepted at Brandeis, Emerson, Northeastern, Michigan, UCSB, Columbia Law, Duke Law, NYU Law, USC Law, UCLA Law, MIT, CalTech, Harvard, Berkeley, plus a Fulbright.

Full disclosure: Two rock star graduate-level students account for most of these acceptances. Expect some domino waitlist action.

 

JOB TALLY:

90% of the seniors CJ's fraternity have found jobs. When asked where, he reports "A lot at Morgan Stanley or JP Morgan. I can't tell the difference."

 

Questions from Readers - 'Liberal Arts Killed the Economy' Edition

As kids anxiously wait for their decisions, parents become more and more crazed. This year's anxiety is  not about whether your kid will get in. Instead parents are panicking about the existential dilemma of whether college is even worth it at all in the long run, especially if your kid's passion is Philosophy or Anthropology.

Here's what readers are asking:

Q: My son wanted to apply to (top midwestern school) as an engineering major. But he was afraid that Engineering is too hard to get into, so he has applied as a Canadian Studies major. Will that help?

A: Sadly, everybody else came up with the same strategy this year and Canadian Studies has become the new hot field of study. But it is a good bet to apply for one of the other 164 majors which people think will result in limited job choices or low-paying careers. In fact, anything other than Econ, Biomedical Engineering and Comp Sci should be less competitive.

--

Q: Will my daughter have a greater chance of getting into MIT if she's a girl,even though she only scored a 2230 on the SAT?

A: Yes, if she has also built a time travel machine.

--

Q: Is it possible to catch the flu twice in a semester, even with a flu shot?

A: Yes - two different strains of flus are going around. Pre-med students understand this. Literature majors, not so much, unless they're reading The Plague, by Camus.

--

Q; Do kids home for spring break really sleep until 2pm, even if that translates to 5pm their time?

A: Make that 3pm.

--

Q: Hypothetically, my son arrives back in his house at 2am after spring break. The alarm goes off because the landlord set it and he didn't know the code. His roommates are not home. If he calls me (after trying to reach the landlord) and I suggest that he cut the wires, is that helicoptoring?

A: Yes, as long as he pays for the new device out of his summer earnings.

--

Q: If my daughter is required to receive college credit for her internship, does that mean we have to pay the college $5000 for a summer session so that she can be a legal unpaid worker?

A: Correct.

--

Q: What's this about people getting angry at liberal arts majors who take out college loans? Is there a movement to prevent middle class kids from studying History and Classics? Is it the common belief that liberal arts graduates won't be able to find jobs, unlike STEM majors, who are boring in museums, but awesome with spreadsheets?

A: Wish you had studied English so you could write a clearer question. Sorry, I don't have time to answer. I need to finish my graduate school application for Actuarial Studies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why do...?

When I google "Why do," I get only one college-related result:

- Why do fraternities use Greek letters?

The remainder of my results are very provocative:

- Why do we laugh?

- Why do we dream?

- Why do people have red eyes in flash photographs?

- Why do men have nipples?

- Why Do Fools Fall in Love (song)

- Why do competitors open their stores next to one another?

- Why do I forget things?

and

- Why do I have a belly button?

How Many

When I type "How Many" into the Google search bar, here is what comes up:

How many college students change majors NYT

How many college students change majors WSJ

How many college students change majors

How many calories in a banana

Can't Live Without College Confidential

Today, 03:40 PM #1 Roger_Dooley Administrator Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 6,011

Planned Downtime Early Thursday AM

We've got some server and software maintenance planned for Thursday morning. To minimize the impact on our members, we'll be starting at around 5 AM EST. We should have the work completed within two hours. Thanks for your patience. For you morning people on the US east coast, or for others who normally hang out at CC at that time, the "info" portion of CC will remain up... Roger

03:54 PM #2 kypdurron Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 182

Thanks for heads up! Though, who would even be on that early?

03:58 PM #3 hangooksaram Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 95

Students discussing their SAT scores, which are released 4~5am EST Thursday morning(:

04:13PM #4 5 econ981 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2012 Posts: 220

It looks like you didn't pick a very good time. This is when SAT scores are released.

04:28 PM #5 agreatperhaps Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 166 ....really? That's EXACTLY when the SATs scores are released, and most of us will be in school by 7 aka this was a bad decision. 

05:01 PM #6 TheKongo Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 142 Because posting your SAT scores is more important than maintaining the site you go on everyday...

05:17 PM #7 Roger_Dooley Administrator Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 6,011 Sorry, folks, there is really no "downtime" when CC is inactive. And, the work is important enough that we didn't want to delay it. Thanks for understanding!

05:36 PM #8 nolife Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 166 Now I'll have nobody to complain to when I find out that I only got 2280 :(

Empty You-Know-What

'Nest' is the wrong word for the dwelling. Everyone reports that it's more like an empty retirement home, just two old people taking frequent naps on all the extra beds. Here is what some of the mommy and daddy birds are doing:

- Epic vacations

- Plastic surgery

- Long walks with pets

- Zumba

- Commissioning plans to remodeling the kitchen, canceling because of two tuitions

- Cutting back on the housekeeper

- Skipping dinner, then having wine/popcorn/cereal at midnight

- Catching up on films missed for the last twenty years

- Foster child/adoption (100% true - my awesome cousin did this!)

- All sorts of puppy-related things

- All sorts of cooking-related things

- Finding a life coach

- Volunteering, getting roped into events, taking on responsibility of "table captain"

- Changing careers

- Booking tickets, re-booking tickets

- Having lunch/dinner with fellow ex-soccer parents, reminiscing about bad calls

- Sleeping and not sleeping at odd hours

- Finding graphic artists to help with websites

- Making new friends on College Confidential (other Empties whose freshmen won't answer their texts)

- Blogging

AND MOSTLY

- Stalking the kids on Facebook

Excellent News for Ninth Graders

I love receiving e-mails from readers, but was a little nervous to open one that arrived from the Executive Director of SAT Programs at the College Board. Had they suddenly discovered a mistake in CJ's math score? How would this affect his upcoming college graduation?Or could they be writing to apologize for getting rid of the analogies, my favorite section?

It turns out that the e-mail was about none of the above, but instead offered solid advice for high school freshmen, encouraging them to be more proactive and how to plan ahead.

I don't usually post serious info here, but if you're concerned that your child hasn't yet mediated a peace conference because he's still trying to figure out how to open his locker, this piece by Jennifer Karan very much warrants a read:

http://media.collegeboard.com/homeOrg/content/pdf/Freshman_Year_The_Big_Picture.pdf

So much here that I wish I had known when my kids were in ninth grade. It doesn't go overboard with resume boosters about prestigious oboe competitions or tips about how to get internships with Stephen Hawking. But it does offer stellar, sensible advice like meet with your counselor early on, plan to take the right courses, and start thinking about what your passion might be.

So if you have a new high school schooler, now's the time to think about the Big Picture before the serious angst sets in sometime during eleventh grade. And as icing on the cake, the College Board has come up with a whole Big Future program, free one-stop shopping that will de-stress the process that lies ahead.

Good work, College Board. Now can we talk about adding a summer test date?

Neurotic Limerick of the Day

I tour with the Joffrey to dance
Genome research: I won seven grants
Built a school in Phnom Penh
But with 2310
I am certain I don't have a chance

Prayer for the SAT

Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the SAT Exam.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

-

On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the SAT exams, I beseech the Almighty College Board to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May I stay awake through the Critical Reading section, even if I get a passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O College Board, provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

 

Back to School

They were home for a long, long time.  But they have now returned to campus life, three time zones away.  Some telltale signs that they have left the dwelling:

- Residents of home are awake during the day and asleep at night

- iPhone and Mac chargers remain in their places

- Car radio stays tuned to NPR rather than sports talk or hip hop

- Spotless living room

- Silence

- Depressed dog

- Untouched leftover pizza in fridge

- Small, delicate loads of laundry

- Full night's sleep

- Credit card charge for car booting in different state

 

Hedonism

One's in Vegas, the other has 25 of his closest friends in the back yard.  Content to hear their laughter and sneak photos from the balcony. Ordering pizza. Used to know the number by heart, sadly long forgotten.

Green Majors

Happy New Year to all. I report with stellar news for neurotic parents everywhere: Just in time for 2013, the crapshootiest year for admissions decisions yet, the moms and dads on the website College Confidential have moved on from stressing about where their kids are accepted.

They now have something much more realistic and attainable on their minds: The clever folks at CC have finally distracted parents from the awful college process by instituting an addictive PacMan style popularity contest.

How does it work? If someone "adds reputation" by clicking on your post, you collect points that lead to the accumulation of a row of tiny green squares. And these happy squares are smartly reminiscent of the feel-good scattergram squares that Naviance uses to symbolize college acceptances. Doesn't hurt that they're also ivy colored. 

I must confess that I have joined the race to acquire greenies and have given up my day job, my Words with Friends obsession, hassling GC about summer internships...and even feeding my kids, who are only home for a few more days.

How proud I am of my eleven (out of a possible twelve) verdant squares, some emerald, some jade. Along with the squares comes a powerful validation - Mine at the moment is "much to be proud of."  Others are "a glorious beam of light," "a name known to all," and the ultimate: "a reputation beyond repute."

I have achieved this recognition by posting helpful advice - how to get an internship in the film business, the name of a reliable cab company in the college town I know so well. (I have also defended the field of English to those who want to force their kids to be neurosurgeons...material for a future post.)

But the majority of green rep I received was a result of just falling in with the right crowd.  These influential souls - some the true matriarchs and patriarchs of CC - are concentrating less on random ED decisions and focusing on something they can control - powering each other with points. With each infusion there's a private comment, and also public posts like, "CantConcentrate, I just pushed you up to 3 greenies! Happy New Year!"

If you love the same person twice in a short time period, you get a message that says "You must spread some reputation points around before giving to confettijym any more." If that happens, it is customary to let the would-be recipient know about your intent and the reason for the delay: "Just tried to hit you, psychedmom, but got shot down. Will set the alarm for 3:00 am and try again then!"

One poster, Curmudgeon, theorized that this system was created by someone "young, bold...and on crack." But I think CC is on to a bigtime metaphorical life lesson. How do the movers and shakers of the world aquire and maintain their reputations?  It's all who you know, baby, and who you can help in return. Just find the right buddies, on and offline, and in no time you too can have a reputation beyond repute. Who knows, maybe even the colleges will abandon their dartboard approach and adopt a greener system of admissions.

Neurotic Karma

In response to many reader queries, The Neurotic Parent Institute is proud to share Early Action and Early Decision results for students and parents who took advantage of our free consultations:

Yale - SCEA

Brown - ED

Duke - ED

WashU - ED

Wharton - ED

Michigan (2) - EA

Northwestern - ED

This represents a diverse group of students from six different schools, both public and private. Two students were deferred, but one of those also got into Michigan and is delighted with that result.

These kids were qualified: The first female president of her school. An intern with SCOTUS. A remarkably talented musical theater kid. The head prefect of his school, plus a baseball star. An autism reasearcher. And a future BME major who worked in a lab where they're actually curing cancer.

The Institute accepted no payment for its services, but there were many lunches, texts and late-night emails.  

The focus of these meetings?

- Love thy safety (makes you more confindent for the apps that count)

-  No retakes for scores above 2250

-  _________(this one's a secret in case we decide to charge next year).

 

The secret to success? Might have to do with the Neurotic Parent's trip to India and returning with many lucky artifacts that worked brilliantly for good college karma. Or it could be that admissions to these top schools are still a total crapshoot.

 

A Moment of Silence

Remember two days ago when our biggest concern was who got in early where? 

Hug your kids.

 

Neurotic Early Decision Etiquette

Is it cool to call or text another parent to find out results?  Now that I have two kids in college and am not going through the hysteria myself, will I be perceived as nosy if I send sweet and supportive FB messages to find out what happened?

Waiting for decisions from Wash U, Duke, Michigan, Wharton, Brown - you guys know who you are! I've been there for you...Please don't forget to let me know so I can find you a great waitlist specialist should the unthinkable happens.

Prayer for Early Decision

Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer to be recited while opening emails, logging on to online portals, or dealing with with snail mail announcing Early Decision news. It will also be effective for Early Action (EA) and Single Choice Early Action (SCEA) decisions.

If you applied to Columbia or Dartmouth, I apologize that this was not posted in time. But chances are you're also waiting to hear from the University of Chicago, and it is not too late to utilize it for that fine school.

The prayer was designed for laptop, desktop and mobile devise users, but also works for Wesleyan and GW's old-fashioned snail mail. It may be recited aloud at home or silently in the subway, on the squash court, or while working with orphans in Ethiopia:

---

As I confront the most lifechanging email/online portal/envelope I will ever encounter, I beseech the Almighty Early One to look over me and protect me from posting something braggy, smug or nasty on Facebook. If accepted, grant me the strength to immediately compose a gushing thank you note and to send it along with a Neiman Marcus gift certificate to my History teacher, who exaggerated my brilliance in her recommendation and made me sound like a freaking genius for winning a debate about GMOs. If waitlisted, give me the focus to complete the 26 other apps with supplements I haven't yet downloaded. And, O Early One, if denied, consider giving me a White Lie Waiver, allowing me to tell people that "I decided at the last minute to only apply Regular, and besides, I really want to take a gap year anyway so I may continue my groundbreaking research with sea turtles."

 

Home for Thanksgiving

The Good:

1. Best place to recover from a cold.

2. CJ has the answer for relatives who ask "What are you doing when you graduate?"

3. All, yes 100%, of GC's friends are thrilled with their college choices, though many say "It's hard."

4. Big guys can help their dad legally dispose of oil used for frying turkey.

5. Happy dog.

6. Chance to perfect my laundry skills.

7. A full season of Modern Family together, cuddling on the sofa.

 

The Bad:

1. Dad catches the cold.

2. Midnight snacks of stuffing while waiting for them to return home from numerous parties.

3. GC and Mr. NP were somehow sharing a cloud; in a remedy attempt, GC lost 50% of his contacts.

4. NPR in car now set to hip-hop.

5. Tailgating exists here as well.

6. The mess - beyond belief!

7. Five nights fly by....can I go back with them?

 

 

 

Facebook Facelift

College admissions officers are very busy people.  The reason?  In addition to reviewing applications, meeting with prospective students and parents, reading essays, ensuring that their college have diverse student bodies and singing in admissions videos, they are also snooping on your Facebook page. 

Many teens think it's enough to change their names so they cannot be found, like Emmanem for Emma Newsom or Gott Scoldman for Scott Goldman. The winning name this season is CleverNamePun.  But colleges have a knack for tracking down students' pseudonyms.

With this in mind, the Neurotic Parent Institute is proud to offer a new service to help your child look like a desirable candidate:

Liked: (BEFORE THE NP FACELIFT)

Colorado's ballot measures

Why yes, I am a Pokemon Master

I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and half of Fridays

Pastafarians

The Malibu Goth Naked Party

---

Liked (AFTER THE NP FACELIFT):

- Fans of Shostakovitz

- Rigoletto

- The Correct Usage of Your and You're

- Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms

- Habitat for Humanity Weekend Build

---

So make Facebook work for your child! After all, it is the majority of high school students' most time-consuming extracurricular.

"Tango Lessons Can Get Your Student into Harvard" - Part II/Kayaking

Turns out the cutting edge test prep specialist who wanted me to promote him on this blog was fibbing about the tango lessons.  That student actually got into Cornell, not Harvard (not that there's anything shabby about Cornell).  Mr. Tango's publicist also had claimed that his efforts had resulted in an eighth grader's guaranteed admission into medical school.  When I asked Mr. T. about that, he said he had no idea why his website gave that info, and in fact, the early med school acceptee had been a high school senior.

Then he went on a rant about certain parents, as well as the administration and faculty of one of the Ivies.  Finally, he said, he intended to raise his rates for his wealthier students and start a Robin Hood model of test prep (teaching wrong info to the wealthy kids so the needy can snag their places? Hmm...there's an essay topic.)

So, that leaves nothing to blog about besides Parents' Weekend, a time when parents drop everything, fly across the country, have dinner with their kids, send out their linens to a fluff 'n fold, then go for a run because the students have too many lab reports to complete before the next dinner, when they will be seated with six friends at the other end of the table. 

One dad in jogging clothes in the elevator said that his younger son (at another school) had blown him off completely.  "I hope you didn't buy your Parents' Weekend plane tickets," he said, "because I'm going kayaking."

"Tango Lessons Can Get Your Student into Harvard" - Part I

I know you're all waiting for updates about how GC's friends are faring. I'm happy to report that despite one case of mono, a mild concussion, a citation for public urination and a complaint that "nobody on campus knows anything about indie music," they are all moderately satisfied to thrilled with their college choices.

There are reports about classes being "too hard." We heard about one freshman who became furious when he got his first "B" on an essay ever - not a grade used often in high school these days. But for the most part, everyone has settled in, joined a capella groups, attended football games and stayed up all night playing Settlers of Catan. 

One girl has even become enratured with 19th Century Literature, comparing her professor to the one in the Dead Poets Society.  "He even jumps on tables," she said. And a gap year kid we know is making great progress in Hindi.

Parents who are snooping on their kids' facebook pages have mentioned that it looks as if their college students have had access to a "dress-up box," the kind you'd find in nursery school. Even at the artsier schools one can see smiling freshmen in wild sunglasses, crazy tie-die, loin cloths, unitards, Native American garb, luau wear and Gangnam style parody outfits.

So with new college life under control, it is time to worry about the current class of high school seniors who are freaking out big time as they decide whether or not to apply early, and whether to mention their internships in London at Mulberry in their essays. 

One family, not too happy with their education consultant, is suing him because the $2.2 million they spent did not get him into Harvard.

What can get you in? Tango lessons, according to another Cambridge consultant, who contacted me through the PR firm he hired. And even if you take those lessons in Buenos Aires, as he advises his clients, they'll cost a lot less than $2.2 mil.

Next: "Tango Lessons Can Get Your Student into Harvard" - Part II

 

 

 

 

Desperate college-touring mom accepts a ride from a stranger to catch up with her son

We're on our epic Indian monsoon journey, starting off our new lives with a slow oil drip Shirodhara ayurvedic treatment  - a stream of medicated oil poured over the forehead for 40 minutes, to release tension and stress and take you to a different level of mental peace.

Not sure where blogging fits in with mental peace.

Lots of drop off stories will eventually show up here, but first a report from a reader about a mid-summer college road trip:

 

- Our trip was good overall. It was certainly informative, but what I already knew was confirmed: K really can't take being with a parent for more than two nights.

  

- The best story I have about how far this trip was from a mother-son bonding experience was in D.C. K and I did the Georgetown info session and tour, had lunch, and then walked around M Street for a lot longer than I thought he'd be willing to do. So far all was o.k. But then we set off to find the Mount Vernon campus of George Washington. (We had seen the Foggy Bottom campus the day before.) K grabbed the map and started walking ahead. We walked and walked in the 104 degree heat and I was getting progressively more tired and thirsty. The gap between K and me grew. I figured he'd slow down to let me catch up but soon he was nowhere in sight and he wouldn't answer his cell phone, which he later claimed he couldn't hear. I also couldn't find any taxis. Finally, I was so desperate that I accepted a ride from a man I had asked directions of - something I would be horrified to hear my kids had done. Soon after I got in the car we saw an exhausted and confused K puzzled over the map. The man screamed across the street, "K, get in the car! I've got your mother." I've never seen such a shocked expression on K's face.

Other observations:

• I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of coffee in the information session/tour waiting areas. On the other hand, there was often water.

• Washington U. : The one tour where the guide has a mic and you could hear well. One of the buildings was described as “Hogwartesque”

• Vanderbilt: 
  •  In the info session, the presenter had the students introduce themselves by stating their favorite TV show. Then the presenter gave them “points” for shows they liked.
  • It was mentioned that the squirrel: student ration  = 3:1
  • The residential houses were described as “Harry Potterish”
  • In discussing study abroad programs, they said they had places in “every continent except Antarctica." This would have been funny had I not heard the same thing at at least a couple of other schools.
  • One of the parents asked “What are the chances of tornadoes?” The response was, “I’m not a meteorologist.”

• Duke
  • The student companion was dressed a lot more nicely than at other places.
  • In talking about the potential for on-campus clubs, the presenter mentioned that students had started an innertube water polo club. I know I heard exactly the same thing at at least one other school.
  • One parent on the tour referred to another when talking to the guide as a bozo. 

• Georgetown
  •  They had coffee here!!!
  • The info session was the shortest of anywhere, but there was lots of information, just no jokes.
  • Most annoying question by parent: (to tour guide) “What is your least favorite thing about the school?” This was obnoxious because the daughter had asked the very same question on the George Washington tour the day before.

 

Submit your tour horror stories - Win chai with the neurotic parent, plus a free pen if your report includes at least two Harry Potter references.

 

 

Misery loves....Facebook

GC is not letting me reveal the details of his transition.  So for now, I will share a status post from a recent parent of a new college student:

Here is the crazy thing about being a parent- you work and plan to prepare your child for college. 13 years with singular focus. Pushing to provide them with a great education. Then the day comes to realize your parental dream and all you want to do bring them back home.

And, here's one from a student:

COLLEGE IS HYPE!

New Trend: Helicopter Kids

Turns out that helicoptering is not as detrimental to the college process as we thought. According to the (very dynamic) dean of admissions at GC's university, the new freshman class includes a child soloist at the Metropolitan Opera, a golden glove boxing champ, a community activist responsible for the clean up of a toxic waste site, a creator of 3D sidewalk art, a unicyclist, a model/Alzheimers advocate and the survivor of grizzly bear attack. The kicker: A teen helicopter pilot. After all the over-hovering by the parents of this generation, how refreshing it is to see a kid at the rudder.

Changes

Survived freshman move-in.

Parenthood as we knew it is officially over: Time to grow old.

But, empty nesters be forewarned: laundry duties never end. As we wait for CJ, our senior, to arrive from his internship, we're helping his roommates set up their new house. And surprise, surprise...CJ's belongings were not washed before going into storage, or probably not for several months before that.

So it's off to an industrial strength fluff ''n fold, and then on a search for a decent dresser in a Town Without an Ikea.

Where to Apply in 2012 - Schools that feel guilty about lying

Here are two great bets for 2012, especially if you can figure out a way to pad your SAT score:

Emory, funded by the super-ethical Coca Cola company responsible for rotting teeth all over the planet, has announced that it has been lying about its enrolled students' SAT scores for the last 12 years.  Reported the scores of admitted students instead, the ones who turned them down.

http://www.ajc.com/news/dekalb/emory-university-misrepresented-student-1501300.html

One poster on College Confidential says, "I'll never buy Emory boards again."

And then there's Claremont-McKenna, which only lied for seven years.  

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/31/education/claremont-mckenna-college-says-it-exaggerated-sat-figures.html?_r=1&hp

 

 

The Day Before

Leaving tomorrow.

Last-minute crises that have put a damper on our final day of pre-college parenthood:

- GC's GF couldn't find her car keys. The whole household got involved (including the 30 kids who stopped over to say farewell). Retracing stops, we suspected the keys were in the pocket of GC's new sweatshorts, which were safely packed in one of six bags. Miraculously, they keys were located. But what other important item could be stashed away somewhere in another pocket?

- GC discovered an urgent email from his college letting him know that he is prohibited from checking into his dorm because his immunization records were not signed properly. Not an easy errand for GC on a Friday afternoon, just as the doctor's office was closing.

- Despite all the kind things I have said about Southwest Airlines, they won't upgrade our boarding position (B24), so there is a chance we will have to sit in middle seats tomorrow on our epic journey. (In my booking frenzy, I apparently forgot to sign up for early bird check in.)

- Am I a terrible mom if I haven't pre-washed the sheets? They seem so soft and sateeny. Can they really be full of toxic chemicals?

The Day Before

Leaving tomorrow. 

Last-minute crises that have put a damper on our last day of pre-college parenthood:

- GC's GF couldn't find her car keys. The whole household got involved (including the 30 kids who stopped over to say farewell. Retracing stops, we suspected they were in the pocket GC's new sweatshorts, which were packed in one of six bags. Miraculously, they keys were located. But what other important item could be stashed away somewhere in another pocket?

- GC discovered an urgent email from his college letting him know that he cannot check into his dorm because his immunization records had arrived, but were not signed properly. Not an easy errand on a Friday afternoon, just as the doctor's office was closing.

- GC contracted a sore throat, then had a adverse reaction to an antibiotic that Mr. NP (a musician, not a physician) decided to give him so I wouldn't find out that he was getting sick. After finally reaching the doctor, the pharmacist said the replacement antibiotic could cause hives or shortness of breath.

- Despite all the kind things I have said about Southwest Airlines, they won't upgrade our boarding position, so there is a chance we will have to sit in middle seats tomorrow on our epic journey. (I apparently forgot to sign up for early bird check in.) 

- Am I a terrible mom if I don't pre-wash the sheets? They seem so soft and sateeny in their posh plastic holder. Can they really be full of toxic chemicals?

 

Countdown to Empty Nesting

3.5 more days.  Can't think of anything funny to say.

College Essentials You Won't Find at Bed, Bath and Beyond

I posted this on the Huffington Post last week. Readers pointed out some must-brings that I left out. See the bottom of the list.

1. A decent mattress.
Forget the memory foam topper, feather bed and bed bug protector. Face it, no matter how many bedding enhancers you invest in, that saggy, smelly dorm cot will just never be comfortable. Instead, just spring for a brand new mattress, which will cost $89 compared to the $400+ needed to alter the yucky one in the dorm. But remember to get Twin XL. Even though kids manage to fit into normal-sized beds at home, the colleges have conspired with BB & B to scare you about the dire consequences of too-short sheets and force you to purchase all new bedding.

2. A pitch pipe
A capella competition is so fierce these days that your son or daughter will want to practice on the way to class.

3. Unlimited text plan
If your child has been sending 10,000 a day, he or she will now send 20,000. If you have a girl, you will be the lucky recipient. If you have a boy, look forward to one-word responses to your cheery questions, such as Yaaa.

4. Parking Permit
Much cheaper than a car. Can be bartered for free rides from all the students who have brought vehicles to campus but have nowhere to park.

5. Settlers of Catan
College students spend so much time playing this board game (a Germanic combination of Monopoly and Risk, but with sheep) that you will wish they would go back to playing video games.

6. "Find my iPhone" App
The most essential possession of them all. Just be sure that your kids know not to harrass the residents if the phone is located in a crack house.

7. Hot Pink Hair Dye
College students like to show their individuality, by going for the ombre-all-over/look... like everybody else.

8. Fake ID
Although highly fraudulent, it's at the top of most students' checklist, even above the shower caddy.

9. This phone number
To deal with the consequences of #8, the phone number of a local attorney.

10. A subscription to the Wall Street Journal
So students can keep track of all their high school friends who have dropped out of college after receiving seed money from angel investors.

Additions from HuffPo readers:

1. A dress up box - "Have two sons in college and
they always seem to be going to themed parties, so the
equivalent of the dress up box from nursery school would have
been a good thing to take." 

How could I have forgotten this? One of CJ's first purchases was a Sponge Bob costume.

2. Rackraisers (for the daring) - "They appear to be out of stock everyplace I googled, but they raise the beds up to 25" off the ground"

3. A fan's son- "Mosquito repellent if your child is heading east (it was a warm winter there). And as part of my new campaign to make the kid pay for more of his own stuff, I'm renting him out (only on weekends) to sleep in your son or daughter's room -- he's a bit messy, but I can guarantee that his mosquito magnetism is so severe, that the annoying pests will never bite your child because they'll be so happy biting mine."

4. Insurance -  "My son dropped his new MacPro off his loft bed in December, as he was packing to come home for break."

Hmm...Maybe the Rackraiser comes with insurance.

Beware of Non-XL Sheets

GC has registered for classes.  After successfully getting into his 15th, 38th, 65th and 78th choices (because he was in the third registration window for first year students), it is now time to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to spend a small fortune on items he will destroy, lose or not use at all.

 

The nice folks at BB&B have provided a handy checklist. My favorite section is the new Bed Bug Protection category, which you think college residence halls would have under control for the $55k we're spending. Luckily, I have a kid who believes that less is more - he only wants a Tempurpedic memory foam mattress topper (which costs more than a decent single bed), and in exchange, will do without the shower caddy, dry erase board and clip rings.

There is some logic behind his edited shopping list: He ended up with no classes on Wednesdays or Fridays. And his first class on Mondays is at 4:40pm. So indeed he will be spending a lot of time on that Temporpedic.

 

A particle-scattering hand vaccuum? No way. I've heard that discriminating college kids are obsessed with Dyson vaccuums. So, our shopping adventure is nice and minimal - the Tempurpedic and maybe one set of XL sheets (Yes, we received the warning that many a college student's life has been ruined by getting the wrong size sheet. Tall kids have been sleeping on regular beds at home for years without incident, but suddenly for college someone in the linen industry decided they needed five extra inches.) We've offered to buy two sets, but GC says he will absolutely not change them). And he insists on bringing the ratty towels he brought to camp, the ones we told him to leave there each summer.

A highly edited shopping list - pricey enough to wish BB&B had a layaway policy, while practical enough  to keep his room tidy and free of allergens.

 

 

Strange But True East Coast College Stories

As four of GC's classmates tour #Vietnam (trending) on their graduation trips, I spent the heat wave gathering blogworthy anecdotes from parents in CT, NY, NJ, MD and DC:

1) GESUNDHEIT - A rising senior Fulbright hopeful from Yale has already taken his GREs. He did very well, of course, but was not allowed to enter the testing center with his travel-sized packet of Tempo Taschentuecher, the more absorbant German version of Kleenex, which he had purchased during his lab research fellowship in Nuremberg. Although the package looks innocent and minimal enough, the proctors probably assumed that the small print was some sort of code for a mathematical formula.

2) MARSHALL-THEMED REFUGEE DINNER - Attended a foodie BBQ at a fabulous home in Bethesda MD with a fascinating group of DC suburbanites who needed to cook all their frozen briskets because of a prolonged power outage. Among the guests were the parents of a University of Chicago student who has just won the prestigious Marshall Scholarship. AND the parents of a Dartmouth student who leaves in September for a semester in the Marshall Islands.

3) NEST WISHES - As I blog, I sit on a brand new next generation 737-800 , headed from BWI to LAS (Not the most direct route home I know, but the best available on changeable Southwest).  My seatmate, who lives in Austin, just confessed to me that his wife couldn't handle living several hours away from their daughter, so the couple has purchased a second home in Virginia, where their child is working on her MBA. A lovely new tradition: A new take on the boomerang syndrome of kids moving home after college - who says parents can't boomerang too?

Addicted to Adderall...Or just to Slacking?

Here's my very first guest post, written by Liz Willen, esteemed educational blogger, who focuses on the NY public schools.  She has had a very neurotic year: First, the SAT canceled her eleventh grader's SAT score because he happened to be one of the dozens of unlucky kids who ended up in a room with an incompetent proctor at the Packer School in Brooklyn.  Then, Liz read Alan Schwarz's scary NYT piece about rampant use of Adderall as a study drug. But all turned out well:  Her senior was indeed focused, but not on studying for APUSH.

Here's the column:

I read Alan Schwartz's frightening front page New York Times piece on the kind of Sunday night when I could have used a performance boost myself – something I'm sure lots of working parents feel in the waning weekend hours.

Oh, for a rush of adrenaline to finish unwanted chores in full efficiency mode, instead of a lazy desire to watch the Mad Men season finale curled up with a glass of wine.

Yet here it was, nearly midnight, and I still had stories to edit, laundry to fold, school lunches to make and those endless permission slips and end-of-the-year forms to fill out.

Nearby, one of my two high-schoolers was allegedly finishing a paper that should have been done earlier. He was focusing so intently, I wondered for a moment if he'd gotten his hands on one of the stimulants described in The Times piece as being so popular among high school students.

Why wouldn't an overstressed teenager who doesn't regularly take such medication and might not know better want to snort one of these? After all, as the story noted, "Just one pill can jolt them with the energy and focus to push through all-night homework binges and stay awake during exams afterward."

As my son stared at the computer screen and clicked away, I wondered: Had he suddenly gotten a hold of an ADHD drug and morphed into the kind of ambitious, competitive college-bound college junior who loads up on easily obtained stimulants along with Advanced Placement courses and a daunting resume of accomplishments?

Did a crushing pressure to get into the right college fuel a need for illicit performance enhancements that I had not been aware of?

Was it fostered, as Judith Warner noted in a column on the topic, by "an adult-stoked environment of extreme competition and near-hysteria over the perceived super-humanness required to gain entry to a prestigious college?"

Before I could wonder if I had become the kind of mom who pushes her child to extremes and views parenting as a competitive sport, I decided to do a little investigative reporting.

I tiptoed over to my son and glanced at his computer screen, suspicious of finding an unusually brilliant essay, fueled, perhaps, by a drug enhanced ambition and hyperfocus.

At first, I saw what looked like a lot of new vocabulary words (wow, I thought, he's also studying for the SAT!)

This was a bit of a shock, since he has been in a rage since his last scores were cancelled due to problems at the test site and had refused to do more studying.

Still, I saw impressive vocabulary words I had never encountered before, like "Spiritualized,'' and "Chromatics,'' and "Ekstasis.''

Then I noticed the computer was bookmarked at Pitchfork, the website filled with reviews of the latest bands and albums. To the side of the computer, a long list of personal chats from friends filled the screen.

"What's going on?'' I asked. "What about that paper?"

"Oh, it's not due until Wednesday,'' came the reply, followed by a yawn. "I'm going to sleep."

I didn't really care any more when that paper was due, or how much time had just been wasted on Facebook, social media sites and music reviews.

I welcomed that yawn and embraced the slacking attitude. I asked not a question about what other homework might be due, or what the rest of week looked like.

Then I shut down all the computers and said good night.

 

---

Take Two: Form Letter for Empty Nesters

Through the years, it seems as if every piece of spring correspondence from school has begun with the ultimate cliché:

It's hard to believe that the school year is almost over.  How the children have blossomed.

It's hard to believe that another year has gone by. It's been such a pleasure to watch your little ones learn and grow. 

Another year...and another...And now no more.  Hard to believe.

As we launch into the circumstance of graduation (our school is not so big on pomp), a dad of an only child remarked that he was determined not to let the sappiness get to him.  Instead, he said, embrace what is to come. This is too important a life passage to give in to the cheap emotions and triteness of all the Last Events: The last Soccer Awards Ceremony.  The last Senior Show.  The last Sports Thank You Dinner.  The last Parent Association Thank You Breakfast (with the Last Swag: the last Thank You mug).  The last Pre-Prom Photo Op.

And last Friday, the Last Day of School. As the bell rang at 3pm, the seniors formed a mosh pit on an outdoor stage, grooved to Ain't No Mountain High Enough, and lit up cigars.  A curious tradition at a P.C. school committed to the environment, but epic nonetheless.

Just the way the kids are telling each other in yearbook messages that they wish they had gotten to know each other better, the parent body has suddenly become inseparable.  We spent Saturday night drinking margueritas and toasting the past at an End of an Era party.  We posted photos of hugging, dancing and chatting with people we've seen around since kindergarten but had never spoken to. 

Still to come is Senior Parent Night.  Something to look forward to: That's when we find out how to become lifelong donors.

And today, we received an interesting proposal in the mail:

Dear Parent,

It's hard to believe that your children's elementary, middle school and high school years have vanished in a heartbeat.  Nothing left but archaic 8mm video footage of Halloween parades, rainy field trips, over-the-top birthday parties, squeaky recitals, dimly-lit plays, windy tournaments, controversial laser tag parties and snowy backpacking trips when everyone returned with H1N1.  And all that artwork you meant to frame, now covered with silverfish in a box in the garage.

We bet you're feeling old, ridiculously old.  What will you do with your time now that you won't be volunteering for your kid's school?  There are no Room Moms at college.  Horrifying to imagine that you'll never be a Parent Association Treasurer or a Little League Dad or International Day Pot Luck Chairperson again. 

So, we have a proposal for you: Adopt!  No need to pine over being stuck with your grumpy spouse when you can be playing Pictionary Jr. and roasting kale with an adorable six-year from Somalia, Bolivia or Guam! 

Just think - a chance for a redo, an opportunity not make the same mistakes again, this time with a child who will cheerfully walk the dog, put on shoes every morning and respect the laws about not driving with friends who are under 17.

And best of all, at birth we can guarantee a place for your sweet new baby in one of the top three colleges of your choice (Screw her - this time you'll choose!)  We'll even throw in a gratuitous online PPPSAT course, appropriate for seven and eight year olds.

So instead of sitting around wallowing in self pity, do something good for the world...and for your high school graduate, who needs to start thinking about his or her law school essay.

Sincerely,

The CB Take II Plan

So....the College Board, feeling regretful about recent events at Packer School, must have purchased our name.  Who would have known that their latest mega screw up could end up not only curing the doldrums of empty nesting, but also benefit the orphans of Somalia?

 

 

 

 

 

He's Leaving Home, Bye, Bye - Take 2

Mr. Neurotic Parent, the only unemotional father in the senior class, has asked me to revise today's post because he thought it was too melancholy.  Will fix it and repost later today.

#Attachment Parenting and other #Trends

Mid-May Questions for the Neurotic Parent:

Q: What are some trends you have noticed about this year's acceptances?

A: Trend 1: Those whose kids were not admitted to the Ivies often described the outcome as "My child didn't get in anywhere." 

Trend 2: Less annoying and more poignant -  Those who were admitted to top schools often ended up choosing "lesser" schools because of better financial aid or merit scholarships.  So far, we have heard of students who chose Oberlin over Columbia, San Francisco State over Oberlin, USC over Brown, and Berkeley over Stanford. 

 

Q: Wait list action?

A: Today, at 12:15pm ET, somebody on College Confidential reported that a student at his or her school received a call from Harvard.  That will officially start the domino effect. 

 

Q: We understand that you are working diligently on a review of your book tour.  Can you give us a preview?  Is it true that Pleasanton, CA is more neurotic than Westport, CT?

A: Pleasanton and Westport have a lot in common -  both scenic, competitive suburbs with stunning libraries. But Pleasanton wins in the stress department: all the kids in town all seemed to live in the library.  No joke - dozens and dozens were still there doing homework at 7pm when my event started.

 

Q: How are you coping with all the end-of-school events leading up to your empty life as an empty nester...all the Thank You Coffees and Lunches, Senior Speak, Senior Dog Day, Senior Parent Night, Senior Show, the End of the Era cocktail party, the Lifers Assembly, the final Parent Association Thank You Breakfast, the last Fundraiser...and, of course, Graduation?

A: The worst part about all of the above is Mr. NP's reaction - other than worrying about money, he is not even slightly affected by this epic transition.  One friend recently blogged that she was "grateful to have (her husband) to share all the bittersweet tears we are shedding at the thought of this stage in our lives ending.  We both started to cry watching a Subaru commercial. It's that bad..."  Hmm...the only thing that could make Mr. NP cry is that he will be forced to spend money in the reactionary state of North Carolina. 

 

Q: What about CJ? What is #trending for college juniors?  That would have to be paid internships - even more of a parenting badge than college offers.  Here on the west coast, students have traditionally been elated to procure $17 an hour positions at WME, Disney, Universal and, of course, MTV.  But CJ's friends are in a whole other category: Many are headed to Deloitte, Morgan Stanley and other I-Banks (truth be told: before CJ went to college, he had never even heard of an I-Bank).  One or two are going to CAA, but to the New York offices.  But the Ivy League of internships would have to be Microsoft and Google...and CJ has fraternity brothers spending the summer at both.  Luckily, he managed to snag a prestigious position as well, because bragging about where your kid goes to college is so 2011. 

 

Q: At what age did you wean your children?

A: CJ at 18 months and GC at 12 months - shortly before I began to think about the college application process.

Lit = Litigation

Thinking of suing a college that didn't accept you?  Take a number.  This could be the hottest trend since the Semester at Sea in Somalia. While in a shop yesterday (returning an outfit I had deemed unworthy for the book tour), I overheard two customers discussing a CNN story about how a girl was taking legal action against Harvard for race discrimination.  

But when I googled the incident, I discovered that "lawsuit" was actually a complaint filed by an Indian-American (as opposed to American Indian - those guys are cool with their admissions decisions) against the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights, targeting both Princeton and Harvard.  The complaint, which alleges “discrimination against Asian-Americans on the basis of race/national origin," suggests that those of Asian decent need higher scores to be admitted to top schools than students of other racial groups. I did, however, discover a similar lawsuit filed against UT-Austin that is actually making its way to the Supreme Court. 

And, according to recent research project conducted by the Neurotic Parent Institute, thousands of other parents would like to fight their own kids' rejections in the Supreme Court.  We are compiling the many gripes about the system that came up again and again on the NP book tour and will post the results soon. 

25 Insane Reasons Why Kids Don't Like Certain Colleges

While parents work the waitlists, high school seniors all over the country are agonizing about where to send in their deposits. Students dutifully go on tours at Admitted Student events in hopes of achieving the clarity they need to make lifechanging decisions. But instead of checking out the seminars taught by Nobel winners or evaluating the neuroscience research opportunities, they tend to focus on the prep/goth/nerd quotient or whether you can use your meal points to order a thin crust marguerita pizza.

Here are some of the ridiculous reasons that kids dismiss some excellent colleges:

1. Dislike of archways

2. No Chipotle within walking distance

3. "I don't know anyone there."

4. "I know too many people there."

5. Aversion to tour guides' footwear (five-toed multiport sneakers) or headwear (Sherpa cap)

6. Tour guide too smug ("In my spare time I'm a midwife, and since returning from Uganda, I've started an NGO that installs solar panels in orphanages.")

7. Annoying bell tower

8. Too many Harry Potter references during info session

9. Not enough/too many vegan options in dining hall

10. Aversion to architecture: too Georgian, too Gothic, too Taco Bell

11. Too many mentions of how Oceanography course changed tour guide's life

12. Tour guide's resemblance to Justin Bieber

13. Too many homeless people

14. Professors look like homeless people

15. Aversion to upstate NY ("Upstate NY is for camp, not college")

16. Tour guide's repeated mention of a cappella groups and/or squirrel clubs

17. Rain

18. Woodland creatures: deer, raccoons, skunks

19. Aversion to school colors

20. Townies reminiscent of characters in Deliverance, Big Love, or Jersey Shore

21. Mean parking attendant

22. Long line for the ellipticals at the gym

23. Lame Latin words in school motto

24. Emma Watson transferred out

25. School is parents' first choice

 

College or Coachella

Last week was our final twelfth grade parent coffee.  Over quiche and muffins, more than thirty of us giggled about how we were once concerned about our kids hanging out on the Third Street Promenade, a neighborhood outdoor shopping mall with unsavory offerings like Pottery Barn, Old Navy and J. Crew. You would think the kids were visiting a real Banana Republic, the way we used to worry. 

We discussed prom (including last year's unfortunate "Promit" bus experience), graduation, grad night, summer plans, and then the conversation turned to the inevitable.  Someone suggested that we go around the room and each share where our children intend to matriculate. 

The list of schools was so impressive that you would never know that this was the Most Difficult Year to Get into College in the History of the World - Princeton, Yale, Berkeley, B.U., WashU, Michigan, Indiana, NYU, Barnard, GW, Tulane, WashU and more.  At least 25% were still deciding: Middlebury or Wesleyan? Columbia or Duke? Tufts or Johns Hopkins or NYU? Lewis & Clark or Bard?  Bennington or Berkeley? One harried mom said her daughter had applied to 21 schools and was now choosing between ten.

There was much discussion about the pros and cons of the life-changing decisions, even offers from certain parents to help kids get off waitlists.  But there was one course of action that was crystal clear: If a child had a choice of attending an admitted students weekend (even one that offered a free plane ticket), or the three-day/two-weekend desert music festival Coachella, there was no choice.  In every case, Coachella was the obvious winner.

The Neurotic Parent Institute has seized upon this opportunity to help the undecided.  We have contacted the festival sponsors, and next weekend, Coachella attendees will be awarded access to a Collchella Tent (next to the Red Bull concession, accessible on Sunday shortly before midnight, in between the performances of Pulp and Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg). Deciding seniors will be issued wristbands representing the colors of the schools they are considering, and will be able to chat with other festival goers who can provide real information about campus opportunities about what teens are really looking for in a school: insufferably loud beats, video games, hook-ups, illegal substances and mosh pits.

 

Why Your Brilliant Child Didn't Get into the Ivies

Last Thursday, decisions from top colleges were delivered electronically to stressed-out high school seniors. By early evening, more than 90% of those who had applied to the eight Ivy League schools plus their partners-in-prestige, Stanford and MIT, had received a gently worded "Good luck elsewhere." Or, even worse, "waitlist status," which means sending a deposit check to a fourth choice institution, procuring a letter of recommendation from Nelson Mandela and spending the summer in limbo.

These new Ivy rejects are far from slackers. They're incredible kids with impressive resumes -- 2,350+ SATs, straight As in their 16 APs, debate champions, flute soloists and MVPs. Parents who have been dreaming of an Ivy education for their kids since conception are scratching their heads, trying to figure out what went wrong.

So, why didn't your child get in?

1. She's a girl. Fact: Female applicants are, plain and simple, better students. (I'm not sexist -- check the statistics!) And girls are more apt to take ownership of the "process." They require less adult help, making their applications seem more authentic... and heightening the competition.

2. Your child is a BWRK (bright, well-rounded kid). These days, colleges want a well-rounded class instead. Lopsided kids are beloved... Renaissance children? Not so much. It's a lot easier for an admissions officer to convince the rest of the committee to admit a trapeze artist than a yearbook editor.

3. Your child's application stinks of privilege. You had the best of intentions when you sent your son or daughter to Oxford last July to read the classics. But guess what? The colleges, who eventually are happy to accept your $200,000, aren't thrilled about $11,000 summer programs, even the life-changing ones. Outward Bound now looks dubious as well -- it used to be about achieving clarity through eating bark, but now could be a euphemism for "troubled teen." And forget those service opportunities in Central America -- the whole isthmus is now frowned upon.

4. A lame essay. Admissions officers are sick of reading essays about the challenges of building a latrine in Guatemala (see above) or how "I found the people of (insert name of developing country) to be exactly the same as in my home town of Greenwich, CT."

5. Not enough leadership. Although team players are in demand in the real world, colleges seek those with a Machiavellian spirit. Colleges are also fans of "rigor," but they are averse to "robots" who studied so hard that they're now boring and obedient.

6. Not enough research experience. If I were a college professor, the last thing I would want is a messy, smelly high school student hanging around my lab. But the kids who get to do this win out.

7. The whole process is random and arbitrary. The admissions people, who say they consider each applicant "holistically" and pay no attention to who needs financial aid, are actually sitting in a room eating pizza and throwing darts. So find solace in the fact that they've rejected your brilliant child for no good reason at all.

What now? Send in your deposit to a great non-Ivy (there are many) and never look back. And if your own alma mater dissed your kid, you can take out your anger by burning your sweatshirts and tearing the license plate holder off your car.

 

Waitlist for You: Top Ten Neurotic Sound Bites

Nothing seemed to work this year at certain colleges, even wealth, legacy status or perfect scores.  The phone has been ringing, and this is what people are saying:

1. "The college counselor told my son's friend that he shouldn't even apply to Stanford, and he got in. But nobody else did from his school, including the son of a big angel investor guy."

2. "Harvard was a big diss because she's not only a legacy, but someone who could absolutely do the work."

3. "He had off the chart scores and grades, and found out that he was 1/16 Mohegan, just in time to put it on his application.  Got into Johns Hopkins, but waitlisted everywhere else."

4. "He never did anything interesting for summers, ever.  But he got into Yale and a full scholarship at Annenberg."

5. "This is a kid who had 800s on everything, a debate champion and fourth or fifth generation at Princeton, he wasn't even waitlisted."

6. "In a four-hour period last Thursday she was shut out by four Ivies, as well as Williams and Tufts."

7. "I hope she likes Vassar well enough to stay on the wait list."

8. "He had over 790 on four SAT IIs, but was waitlisted at Harvard, Brown, Williams and Georgetown (which was her safety)."

9. "From our daughter's school, you need to play golf or water polo to get into Stanford."

10. "She was rejected, not even waitlisted, although she's written for TED and had a letter of recommendation from Arianna Huffington."

Depressing, right?  Maybe not.  According to top independent college counselor Kat Cohen, "While the admissions data can be intimidating, there is no need for students to panic. There are 3,700 colleges in the US, and more than 80 percent accept over half of their applicants. So while Harvard's 5.9 percent acceptance rate might seem discouraging, rest assured that there are literally hundreds of excellent schools you may never have heard of, which offer great opportunities to reach your academic and personal goals." 

Wise words, Kat.  But somehow I cannot imagine Harvard hopefuls ever reaching their personal goals - and those of their parents - at schools they have never heard of.

 

 

Neurotic Decisions

As kids agonizingly log in over and over again to find out results, parents compulsively email the Neurotic Parent.  All these missives arrived unsolicited, with some moms and dads requesting that I help make life choices for their children.  Below is a sampling of the emails and FB messages I received today from all over the country.  Common themes: 1) There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to these decisions. 2) Kids no longer celebrate their acceptances on Facebook, but their parents do!

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M got into Berkeley, NYU Gallatin, and Reed. BTW, she was rejected a few days ago by Pitzer and Pomona. Anyway, she has to choose between Berkeley and Gallatin. What would u do?

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Don't know about the Ivys yet as he is at a friends and will be home when he feels like it.   I have to say this has been one of the most stressful periods in my life!!!!!!!!!!!  With regard to everything else, he got into Northwestern, USC with a full tuition scholarship, Fordham with full tuition scholarship, BU with a $20,000 scholarship. 

Then, an hour later:

He got into Brown and is ecstatic! He did not get into Yale. 

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A's getting offers!  Chicago art institute offered her a $60,000 merit scholarship first.  Then came offers from RISD, Lewis and Clark, Carnegie Mellon, Reed and Oberlin offered her a $48,000 scholarship.  We're thrilled but still waiting to hear from Cooper Union...Wesleyan turned her down which is fine.  She's thinking of RISD, Thoughts of taking a gap year are rapidly disappearing as excitment over RISD takes its place, so nice to see.

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C has BU, Wisconsin, Drexel and SFU to choose from.  He still hasn't heard from NYU and Michigan...all nice choices.

 

Personally, we were dazzled by Drexel's presentation this weekend, but C hated it. 

 

As for those other 5 or 6 schools he got into, what a waste of time!  So DUMB to apply to so many schools.  What's the point of 6 backups?

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something's got to give. and I don't mean the server. How cruel is it when the school's server goes down as soon as prospective students are "invited" to login for status? Five hours later it still wasn't working and then... drumroll...

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 h got 8 out of 11 acceptances - so we're deciding between penn> state/delaware/binghamton/pitt and james madison.  anywhere pop out to you?

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J's entire hs ,his gf and a dozen others SLAUGHTERED today:( 

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And, here's an embarrassment of riches:

> Rejected at Brown
> Waitlisted at Vassar
> Accepted at:
> Barnard
> USC
> Stanford – financial aid TBD
> Princeton – with $26,000 financial aid
> Yale - $6,000 financial aid
>
> Berkeley – not in yet
>
> Can you believe it????

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Not everyone has reported back.  Waiting for a happy tweet from a reader in Pig Latin.  (The previous one was "ix-nay on esleyan-way.")

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THERE'S MORE:  Parents are out of control on Facebook, listing acceptances and asking for opinions. Here are two more (thanks to SSO for the "shares")

O has final word on colleges as of today. 10 acceptance letters! Here's
her options:

UC Berkeley, Barnard, Reed, Lewis & Clark, Bryn Mawr, Oberlin, Tulane, UC
Santa Barbara, UC Santa Cruz, UC Davis.

Now it's decision time. Which one should she choose?

---

Here's a post from a mom who didn't ask for input, but couldn't resist providing the names of the various scholarships her daughter received.  I have a feeling she's not choosing Muhlenberg, but hey, why not add it to the list.

Joining D in being SO proud of K-
Kluge Scholar at Columbia University, Martin Luther King,
Jr. Scholar at NYU Tisch, Northwestern, Barnard, USC, Muhlenberg and
others-- (proud of all her amazing friends, too! What a group!)

 ---

> OK, the 2012 college tally is in:

> YES: CAL, Georgetown, UCSB (with $6,000 a year for 4 years)

> YES, but don’t show up until next Spring: USC

> Waitlist: UCLA

> NO SOUP FOR YOU:  Stanford, Brown
---

And, breaking news - this about the son of the ex-girlfriend of a colleague:

my ex girlfriend - told me her kid just got into harvard and yale.

he's at exeter - so it figures.

---

How to Plan a College Tour from Hell

Congrats to GC's friends on their recent acceptances to GW, Wisconsin, Michigan, Swarthmore, Colgate, UCSB, UCSD, McGill, NYU, BU, Bard, U of Miami, Pitzer, Columbia, WashU, Julliard and Deep Springs (plus the EAs/EDs at Stanford, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Tulane, Bard, Lewis & Clark, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Dartmouth, Cornell, Grinnell, Wesleyan, WashU, GW, BU and NYU). 

SAT Word of the Day: RESCIND.  Seniors, Please hold off on the slacking!

---

On to the next generation of neurotics:

If you have a high school junior, you're probably ready to hit the road on an iconic bonding trip with your disengaged teen.  Here are ten surefire tips to help organize a journey that will turn off your student to higher learning and destroy your relationship forever:

1. TRAVEL DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF APRIL

Although one would expect glorious, or at least pleasant, weather during this early spring week, there will most likely be an ice storm in Ithaca, a blizzard in Bloomington, gale force winds in Providence and torrential flooding in Seattle.

2. BEGIN YOUR TOUR AT A COLLEGE THAT IS 400 MILES FROM THE NEAREST MAJOR AIRPORT

Start at Middlebury College in Vermont.  Because this excellent school lies off the grid, there is no easy way to get there, and your Garmin will spend the whole trip "recalculating."  By the time you arrive, your family members will not be talking to each other. 

3. IGNORE CHECK-OUT TIMES AT LOCAL HOTELS

Beware: Many sweet, charming inns are owned by their sweet, charming neighboring colleges.  If you don't show up at noon for check-out, you will receive a nasty text on your cell...which will be forwarded to the admissions office.

4. ARRANGE FOR YOUR STUDENT TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A DORM WITH A "REAL" STUDENT

This sounds like a good idea, but will surely backfire.  If the college sets up the visit, the host will be so chipper and clean cut that your teen won't even want to apply.  But if your child stays with a friend, especially on a Wednesday (which is the new Thursday) and has too good a time with a borrowed fake ID, you won't be very motivated to write a check for $200k.

5. SIGN UP FOR AN 8:00AM INFO SESSION

Beware of undercover admissions officers who track yawning, squirming and snoozing.

6. ASK OBNOXIOUS QUESTIONS THAT WILL MORTIFY YOUR CHILDREN

Example: "Theoretically, if a student has taken every AP offered by his school, and has patented a non-surgical method to remove bunions, will you waive your four-year language requirement?"

7.  CHOOSE A TOUR GUIDE WHO HAS DISCOVERED A GALAXY

The smugger the tour guide, the less interested your teen will be in the school.  Other turn-offs: studded headbands, pink polos with popped collars, black nail polish, Sherpa caps, Uggs on males, preppy ponytails and persperation issues. Also overuse of any of the following terms: civic-minded, power of ideas, neuro-globalization and intellectual cross-training.

8. HAVE YOUR STUDENT CONTACT A PROFESSOR ABOUT SITTING IN ON A CLASS

If the class is fascinating, your teen will want to attend the school, but will probably not be able to get in.  And if it is dull, your child will be turned off to college, and will instead sign up to work on an organic farm. 

9. BRAG TO OTHER PARENTS ABOUT YOUR STUDENT'S VALEDICTORIAN STATUS

Sadly, colleges are equally braggy about the large quantity of vals they turn down.

10. BOOK NONCHANGEABLE FLIGHTS

After touring three universities, your son or daughter will have had enough.  He or she will want you to skip the next twelve schools on your itinerary and hop on a plane to the Turks & Caicos for a proper spring break....but unfortunately, you booked those seven nonrefundable flights! 

 

 

Dear Neurotic Parent

Since the publication of the book, we have received a great quantity of urgent queries from parents.  The most common recent questions are:

Q: What if my son or daughter does not get in anywhere? Have you ever heard of this happening?

A: Hate to keep you up at night, but we do know of a student who did not receive even one acceptance.  But he eventurally got into Williams off the waitlist, so all the stress was probably worth it.

--

Q: Did you get Cosmoderm for your book party?

A: No, just a blowout and some very pricey concealer.

--

Q: Which was more bittersweet, the last soccer game or the last pot luck? 

A: No contest. There will be more kale salad in my future.  CIF State soccer championships, not so likely.

--

Q: What do I tell everyone at the fundraiser when they ask where my daughter is attending college (she was deferred ED)? 

A: Change the subject.  Talk about how hard it is to type on your new iPhone.

--

Q: Is it selfish to apply to Swarthmore RD if you've already been accepted to Yale EA?

A: That is a question for the Neurotic Ethicist.

--

Q: What has been the best sound bite from the book tour so far?

A: The Director of Admissions of Columbia, a terrific guy and a fan of the book, attended our launch party in New York and stayed for the entire evening.  And he shared these words of wisdom with the crowd of anxious parents surrounding him: "What is my title? Director of Admissions, not Director of Rejections."

--

Q: Do you know anyone on the board of Brown?

A:  Could be.  Will answer definitively after you post a good review on Amazon.

 

 

 

 

 

College Timeline for Neurotic Parents

Here is a private tweet that I just received from a follower:

Q: I have ordered your book, but frankly, with all the stress involved preparing my junior for applying for colleges, I doubt if I will have the time to read it.  Is there any way you can provide a timeline of what I should do when?

A: If your child is a junior in high school, you are a tad late to begin preparing. But just in case you want to agonize about all the missed opportunities, here is a brief summary of what to do when:

ONE MONTH BEFORE BIRTH -- Travel to Dhaka, so your baby will qualify for Bangladeshi citizenship.

BIRTH -- Send APGAR scores to the colleges you will be considering in 17 years.

EIGHT MONTHS -- Hire a college counselor and invest in the Platinum Package. The first challenge will be to get you on wait lists for the most selective preschools in your area.

2.3 YEARS -- Begin Junior Kumon.

3.8 YEARS -- If you discover that your preschooler is singing "Wheels on the Bus" rather than discussing Quantum Physics, consider suing the school.

4.5 YEARS -- Start contributing to a 529, which will be worthless when your child goes to college, but will give you something to complain about at dinner parties. Or get a job with salary increases of 6 percent a year so you can keep up with the cost of tuition.

6 YEARS -- If your child shows a proclivity for something "normal" like piano, soccer or dance, find a good therapist. He or she will need an interest like bioinformatics to be competitive during the college process.

12.8 YEARS -- Now is the time to reserve tutors for the PSAT, SAT, ACT, GREs, MCAT and LSAT. Prepare yourself for the reality that, even with a GPA of 5.8 and an SAT of 2370, your child will most likely be deferred, rejected or wait-listed.

NINTH GRADE -- Quit your job! The college search and application process will take all of your time and energy from now on.

TENTH GRADE -- Move to Oklahoma. That will not only decrease your mortgage, but also make it a lot easier to gain admission to selective colleges. Once there, have your child organize a fundraiser for the Chicasaw Nation. Then, force your student to forget about a fun teen life and complete all the other grueling tenth grade stuff that top colleges want: hours and hours of standardized exams, dozens of APs and multiple national honors. Don't forget about kissing up to teachers and school counselors. Continue involvement in an unusual sport. And for important tournaments, make sure most of your teen's competitors are on the injured list.

ELEVENTH GRADE -- You know the drill: Rural or Urban? Large or Small? Rah Rah or Nerdy? Come up with a dream college list and go on an eight-state bonding tour with your teen, who will rarely want to leave the car. Invest in a storage unit to keep all the brochures about environmental studies programs that arrive in the mail. Teach your child how to send an email without using the salutation, "Hey." Employ David Sedaris for essay editing. Hire a Summer Activity Specialist to find space in an innovative, yet down-to-earth program that the college admissions people haven't seen before.

TWELFTH GRADE -- Congratulations! Your teen has survived 18 APs, 28 applications, 17 test sittings, 39 supplemental essays, seven awkward alum interviews and nine hours filling out the FAFSA/CSS. The reward? Several acceptances in colleges that are no longer of interest because the tour guides had mullets. If your child is wait-listed, ask the Dalai Lama for an additional letter of recommendation. But at least you can be grateful that at least he or she is IN! Donate the TI-83 Calculator to the homeless, dust off those BB&B coupons and buy a memory foam mattress topper. And before you know it, it will be graduation time, so make sure your child begins filling out those barista applications now.

Advanced Separation and Hovering Strategies

 

Last week I attended Senior Separation Night at GC's school. About twenty of us showed up for a poignant evening with the school counselor and the lifeskills teacher (yes, the school offers a lifeskills curriculum, although our son has yet to master the life skill of loading a dishwasher).

I cannot share specifics about what anyone said, of course. But I can say that all of us are more freaked about separating from our kids than they are about leaving us.  We sat in a circle and participated in a council, each sharing a memory about how it felt for us to leave home at age eighteen. There were a few emotional moments, but the common theme was that we had all separated with a heartfelt "Hasta Luego, Mom and Dad - Will be sure to call every Sunday, if there's not too long a line for the dorm phone."

So off they go, and here we stay.  Suddenly we are left pining away for them, waiting for them to call.  One mom said she already feels the onset of an unrequited love of sorts, compared to what she knew before. That is all I can tell you about the evening. Otherwise, I'd have to kill you. But I can say that what's in store for us doesn't seem nearly as appealing as what's in store for them.  

And...as involved as we are in our kids' lives now, it didn't seem as if anyone in the room was in danger of becoming a Velcro parent (even more attached than a hovering helicopter) once our kids are in college.  Or will we? 

---

A piece today in Salon discusses the extreme overparenting of kids.  A professor/mom at Drexel University discloses that her two daughters attend school where she teaches, but she doesn't even know which courses they're taking, and when they text asking for dandruff shampoo, it's just a joke.  Here is what she's observed:

- Out-of-control use of the plural pronoun "we" during the application process.

- Parents requesting to attend advising meetings

- Parents who spend hours watching surveillance cameras at their kids' schools, hoping for a sighting

- One humiliated boy had to take a photo of himself in the library holding up a newspaper with the current date, as in a hostage situation, because his mom did not believe he was actually studying.

- And.."The vast majority of my students talk to their parents three times a day or more."

Wait a minute! Our son CJ has never phoned us thrice in a day. In fact, he has only called three times since January 8th, when he returned to school for the spring semester.  And two of those calls (from random friends' phones) were to let us know that he had lost his phone!  I reread the Salon piece.  Could it be that the Drexel kids come from more neurotic cities than Los Angeles?  I can honestly say that I do not know one parent who spends his or her day watching campus surveillance footage.  Here is what we do instead:

- Use the pronoun "we" when discussing our pilates classmates

- Gather up the nerve to to online to glance at our kids' schedules, only to find out they have changed their passwords

- Force our kids to take photos holding up newspapers to prove that they are at least reading something, after all the money we've spent on their education

- Spend hours screening our friends' movies, so we can say something nice, hoping they'll give our kids a killer summer internship  

We do, however, text our sons and daughters.  But it's usually to remind them NOT to read texts while driving.