THE NEUROTIC PARENT™

Neurotic Decisions

As kids agonizingly log in over and over again to find out results, parents compulsively email the Neurotic Parent.  All these missives arrived unsolicited, with some moms and dads requesting that I help make life choices for their children.  Below is a sampling of the emails and FB messages I received today from all over the country.  Common themes: 1) There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to these decisions. 2) Kids no longer celebrate their acceptances on Facebook, but their parents do!

----

M got into Berkeley, NYU Gallatin, and Reed. BTW, she was rejected a few days ago by Pitzer and Pomona. Anyway, she has to choose between Berkeley and Gallatin. What would u do?

-----

Don't know about the Ivys yet as he is at a friends and will be home when he feels like it.   I have to say this has been one of the most stressful periods in my life!!!!!!!!!!!  With regard to everything else, he got into Northwestern, USC with a full tuition scholarship, Fordham with full tuition scholarship, BU with a $20,000 scholarship. 

Then, an hour later:

He got into Brown and is ecstatic! He did not get into Yale. 

-----

A's getting offers!  Chicago art institute offered her a $60,000 merit scholarship first.  Then came offers from RISD, Lewis and Clark, Carnegie Mellon, Reed and Oberlin offered her a $48,000 scholarship.  We're thrilled but still waiting to hear from Cooper Union...Wesleyan turned her down which is fine.  She's thinking of RISD, Thoughts of taking a gap year are rapidly disappearing as excitment over RISD takes its place, so nice to see.

---- 

C has BU, Wisconsin, Drexel and SFU to choose from.  He still hasn't heard from NYU and Michigan...all nice choices.

 

Personally, we were dazzled by Drexel's presentation this weekend, but C hated it. 

 

As for those other 5 or 6 schools he got into, what a waste of time!  So DUMB to apply to so many schools.  What's the point of 6 backups?

-----

something's got to give. and I don't mean the server. How cruel is it when the school's server goes down as soon as prospective students are "invited" to login for status? Five hours later it still wasn't working and then... drumroll...

-----

 h got 8 out of 11 acceptances - so we're deciding between penn> state/delaware/binghamton/pitt and james madison.  anywhere pop out to you?

----

J's entire hs ,his gf and a dozen others SLAUGHTERED today:( 

---

And, here's an embarrassment of riches:

> Rejected at Brown
> Waitlisted at Vassar
> Accepted at:
> Barnard
> USC
> Stanford – financial aid TBD
> Princeton – with $26,000 financial aid
> Yale - $6,000 financial aid
>
> Berkeley – not in yet
>
> Can you believe it????

----

Not everyone has reported back.  Waiting for a happy tweet from a reader in Pig Latin.  (The previous one was "ix-nay on esleyan-way.")

----

THERE'S MORE:  Parents are out of control on Facebook, listing acceptances and asking for opinions. Here are two more (thanks to SSO for the "shares")

O has final word on colleges as of today. 10 acceptance letters! Here's
her options:

UC Berkeley, Barnard, Reed, Lewis & Clark, Bryn Mawr, Oberlin, Tulane, UC
Santa Barbara, UC Santa Cruz, UC Davis.

Now it's decision time. Which one should she choose?

---

Here's a post from a mom who didn't ask for input, but couldn't resist providing the names of the various scholarships her daughter received.  I have a feeling she's not choosing Muhlenberg, but hey, why not add it to the list.

Joining D in being SO proud of K-
Kluge Scholar at Columbia University, Martin Luther King,
Jr. Scholar at NYU Tisch, Northwestern, Barnard, USC, Muhlenberg and
others-- (proud of all her amazing friends, too! What a group!)

 ---

> OK, the 2012 college tally is in:

> YES: CAL, Georgetown, UCSB (with $6,000 a year for 4 years)

> YES, but don’t show up until next Spring: USC

> Waitlist: UCLA

> NO SOUP FOR YOU:  Stanford, Brown
---

And, breaking news - this about the son of the ex-girlfriend of a colleague:

my ex girlfriend - told me her kid just got into harvard and yale.

he's at exeter - so it figures.

---

How to Plan a College Tour from Hell

Congrats to GC's friends on their recent acceptances to GW, Wisconsin, Michigan, Swarthmore, Colgate, UCSB, UCSD, McGill, NYU, BU, Bard, U of Miami, Pitzer, Columbia, WashU, Julliard and Deep Springs (plus the EAs/EDs at Stanford, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Tulane, Bard, Lewis & Clark, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Dartmouth, Cornell, Grinnell, Wesleyan, WashU, GW, BU and NYU). 

SAT Word of the Day: RESCIND.  Seniors, Please hold off on the slacking!

---

On to the next generation of neurotics:

If you have a high school junior, you're probably ready to hit the road on an iconic bonding trip with your disengaged teen.  Here are ten surefire tips to help organize a journey that will turn off your student to higher learning and destroy your relationship forever:

1. TRAVEL DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF APRIL

Although one would expect glorious, or at least pleasant, weather during this early spring week, there will most likely be an ice storm in Ithaca, a blizzard in Bloomington, gale force winds in Providence and torrential flooding in Seattle.

2. BEGIN YOUR TOUR AT A COLLEGE THAT IS 400 MILES FROM THE NEAREST MAJOR AIRPORT

Start at Middlebury College in Vermont.  Because this excellent school lies off the grid, there is no easy way to get there, and your Garmin will spend the whole trip "recalculating."  By the time you arrive, your family members will not be talking to each other. 

3. IGNORE CHECK-OUT TIMES AT LOCAL HOTELS

Beware: Many sweet, charming inns are owned by their sweet, charming neighboring colleges.  If you don't show up at noon for check-out, you will receive a nasty text on your cell...which will be forwarded to the admissions office.

4. ARRANGE FOR YOUR STUDENT TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A DORM WITH A "REAL" STUDENT

This sounds like a good idea, but will surely backfire.  If the college sets up the visit, the host will be so chipper and clean cut that your teen won't even want to apply.  But if your child stays with a friend, especially on a Wednesday (which is the new Thursday) and has too good a time with a borrowed fake ID, you won't be very motivated to write a check for $200k.

5. SIGN UP FOR AN 8:00AM INFO SESSION

Beware of undercover admissions officers who track yawning, squirming and snoozing.

6. ASK OBNOXIOUS QUESTIONS THAT WILL MORTIFY YOUR CHILDREN

Example: "Theoretically, if a student has taken every AP offered by his school, and has patented a non-surgical method to remove bunions, will you waive your four-year language requirement?"

7.  CHOOSE A TOUR GUIDE WHO HAS DISCOVERED A GALAXY

The smugger the tour guide, the less interested your teen will be in the school.  Other turn-offs: studded headbands, pink polos with popped collars, black nail polish, Sherpa caps, Uggs on males, preppy ponytails and persperation issues. Also overuse of any of the following terms: civic-minded, power of ideas, neuro-globalization and intellectual cross-training.

8. HAVE YOUR STUDENT CONTACT A PROFESSOR ABOUT SITTING IN ON A CLASS

If the class is fascinating, your teen will want to attend the school, but will probably not be able to get in.  And if it is dull, your child will be turned off to college, and will instead sign up to work on an organic farm. 

9. BRAG TO OTHER PARENTS ABOUT YOUR STUDENT'S VALEDICTORIAN STATUS

Sadly, colleges are equally braggy about the large quantity of vals they turn down.

10. BOOK NONCHANGEABLE FLIGHTS

After touring three universities, your son or daughter will have had enough.  He or she will want you to skip the next twelve schools on your itinerary and hop on a plane to the Turks & Caicos for a proper spring break....but unfortunately, you booked those seven nonrefundable flights! 

 

 

Dear Neurotic Parent

Since the publication of the book, we have received a great quantity of urgent queries from parents.  The most common recent questions are:

Q: What if my son or daughter does not get in anywhere? Have you ever heard of this happening?

A: Hate to keep you up at night, but we do know of a student who did not receive even one acceptance.  But he eventurally got into Williams off the waitlist, so all the stress was probably worth it.

--

Q: Did you get Cosmoderm for your book party?

A: No, just a blowout and some very pricey concealer.

--

Q: Which was more bittersweet, the last soccer game or the last pot luck? 

A: No contest. There will be more kale salad in my future.  CIF State soccer championships, not so likely.

--

Q: What do I tell everyone at the fundraiser when they ask where my daughter is attending college (she was deferred ED)? 

A: Change the subject.  Talk about how hard it is to type on your new iPhone.

--

Q: Is it selfish to apply to Swarthmore RD if you've already been accepted to Yale EA?

A: That is a question for the Neurotic Ethicist.

--

Q: What has been the best sound bite from the book tour so far?

A: The Director of Admissions of Columbia, a terrific guy and a fan of the book, attended our launch party in New York and stayed for the entire evening.  And he shared these words of wisdom with the crowd of anxious parents surrounding him: "What is my title? Director of Admissions, not Director of Rejections."

--

Q: Do you know anyone on the board of Brown?

A:  Could be.  Will answer definitively after you post a good review on Amazon.

 

 

 

 

 

College Timeline for Neurotic Parents

Here is a private tweet that I just received from a follower:

Q: I have ordered your book, but frankly, with all the stress involved preparing my junior for applying for colleges, I doubt if I will have the time to read it.  Is there any way you can provide a timeline of what I should do when?

A: If your child is a junior in high school, you are a tad late to begin preparing. But just in case you want to agonize about all the missed opportunities, here is a brief summary of what to do when:

ONE MONTH BEFORE BIRTH -- Travel to Dhaka, so your baby will qualify for Bangladeshi citizenship.

BIRTH -- Send APGAR scores to the colleges you will be considering in 17 years.

EIGHT MONTHS -- Hire a college counselor and invest in the Platinum Package. The first challenge will be to get you on wait lists for the most selective preschools in your area.

2.3 YEARS -- Begin Junior Kumon.

3.8 YEARS -- If you discover that your preschooler is singing "Wheels on the Bus" rather than discussing Quantum Physics, consider suing the school.

4.5 YEARS -- Start contributing to a 529, which will be worthless when your child goes to college, but will give you something to complain about at dinner parties. Or get a job with salary increases of 6 percent a year so you can keep up with the cost of tuition.

6 YEARS -- If your child shows a proclivity for something "normal" like piano, soccer or dance, find a good therapist. He or she will need an interest like bioinformatics to be competitive during the college process.

12.8 YEARS -- Now is the time to reserve tutors for the PSAT, SAT, ACT, GREs, MCAT and LSAT. Prepare yourself for the reality that, even with a GPA of 5.8 and an SAT of 2370, your child will most likely be deferred, rejected or wait-listed.

NINTH GRADE -- Quit your job! The college search and application process will take all of your time and energy from now on.

TENTH GRADE -- Move to Oklahoma. That will not only decrease your mortgage, but also make it a lot easier to gain admission to selective colleges. Once there, have your child organize a fundraiser for the Chicasaw Nation. Then, force your student to forget about a fun teen life and complete all the other grueling tenth grade stuff that top colleges want: hours and hours of standardized exams, dozens of APs and multiple national honors. Don't forget about kissing up to teachers and school counselors. Continue involvement in an unusual sport. And for important tournaments, make sure most of your teen's competitors are on the injured list.

ELEVENTH GRADE -- You know the drill: Rural or Urban? Large or Small? Rah Rah or Nerdy? Come up with a dream college list and go on an eight-state bonding tour with your teen, who will rarely want to leave the car. Invest in a storage unit to keep all the brochures about environmental studies programs that arrive in the mail. Teach your child how to send an email without using the salutation, "Hey." Employ David Sedaris for essay editing. Hire a Summer Activity Specialist to find space in an innovative, yet down-to-earth program that the college admissions people haven't seen before.

TWELFTH GRADE -- Congratulations! Your teen has survived 18 APs, 28 applications, 17 test sittings, 39 supplemental essays, seven awkward alum interviews and nine hours filling out the FAFSA/CSS. The reward? Several acceptances in colleges that are no longer of interest because the tour guides had mullets. If your child is wait-listed, ask the Dalai Lama for an additional letter of recommendation. But at least you can be grateful that at least he or she is IN! Donate the TI-83 Calculator to the homeless, dust off those BB&B coupons and buy a memory foam mattress topper. And before you know it, it will be graduation time, so make sure your child begins filling out those barista applications now.