THE NEUROTIC PARENT™

Take Two: Form Letter for Empty Nesters

Through the years, it seems as if every piece of spring correspondence from school has begun with the ultimate cliché:

It's hard to believe that the school year is almost over.  How the children have blossomed.

It's hard to believe that another year has gone by. It's been such a pleasure to watch your little ones learn and grow. 

Another year...and another...And now no more.  Hard to believe.

As we launch into the circumstance of graduation (our school is not so big on pomp), a dad of an only child remarked that he was determined not to let the sappiness get to him.  Instead, he said, embrace what is to come. This is too important a life passage to give in to the cheap emotions and triteness of all the Last Events: The last Soccer Awards Ceremony.  The last Senior Show.  The last Sports Thank You Dinner.  The last Parent Association Thank You Breakfast (with the Last Swag: the last Thank You mug).  The last Pre-Prom Photo Op.

And last Friday, the Last Day of School. As the bell rang at 3pm, the seniors formed a mosh pit on an outdoor stage, grooved to Ain't No Mountain High Enough, and lit up cigars.  A curious tradition at a P.C. school committed to the environment, but epic nonetheless.

Just the way the kids are telling each other in yearbook messages that they wish they had gotten to know each other better, the parent body has suddenly become inseparable.  We spent Saturday night drinking margueritas and toasting the past at an End of an Era party.  We posted photos of hugging, dancing and chatting with people we've seen around since kindergarten but had never spoken to. 

Still to come is Senior Parent Night.  Something to look forward to: That's when we find out how to become lifelong donors.

And today, we received an interesting proposal in the mail:

Dear Parent,

It's hard to believe that your children's elementary, middle school and high school years have vanished in a heartbeat.  Nothing left but archaic 8mm video footage of Halloween parades, rainy field trips, over-the-top birthday parties, squeaky recitals, dimly-lit plays, windy tournaments, controversial laser tag parties and snowy backpacking trips when everyone returned with H1N1.  And all that artwork you meant to frame, now covered with silverfish in a box in the garage.

We bet you're feeling old, ridiculously old.  What will you do with your time now that you won't be volunteering for your kid's school?  There are no Room Moms at college.  Horrifying to imagine that you'll never be a Parent Association Treasurer or a Little League Dad or International Day Pot Luck Chairperson again. 

So, we have a proposal for you: Adopt!  No need to pine over being stuck with your grumpy spouse when you can be playing Pictionary Jr. and roasting kale with an adorable six-year from Somalia, Bolivia or Guam! 

Just think - a chance for a redo, an opportunity not make the same mistakes again, this time with a child who will cheerfully walk the dog, put on shoes every morning and respect the laws about not driving with friends who are under 17.

And best of all, at birth we can guarantee a place for your sweet new baby in one of the top three colleges of your choice (Screw her - this time you'll choose!)  We'll even throw in a gratuitous online PPPSAT course, appropriate for seven and eight year olds.

So instead of sitting around wallowing in self pity, do something good for the world...and for your high school graduate, who needs to start thinking about his or her law school essay.

Sincerely,

The CB Take II Plan

So....the College Board, feeling regretful about recent events at Packer School, must have purchased our name.  Who would have known that their latest mega screw up could end up not only curing the doldrums of empty nesting, but also benefit the orphans of Somalia?

 

 

 

 

 

He's Leaving Home, Bye, Bye - Take 2

Mr. Neurotic Parent, the only unemotional father in the senior class, has asked me to revise today's post because he thought it was too melancholy.  Will fix it and repost later today.

#Attachment Parenting and other #Trends

Mid-May Questions for the Neurotic Parent:

Q: What are some trends you have noticed about this year's acceptances?

A: Trend 1: Those whose kids were not admitted to the Ivies often described the outcome as "My child didn't get in anywhere." 

Trend 2: Less annoying and more poignant -  Those who were admitted to top schools often ended up choosing "lesser" schools because of better financial aid or merit scholarships.  So far, we have heard of students who chose Oberlin over Columbia, San Francisco State over Oberlin, USC over Brown, and Berkeley over Stanford. 

 

Q: Wait list action?

A: Today, at 12:15pm ET, somebody on College Confidential reported that a student at his or her school received a call from Harvard.  That will officially start the domino effect. 

 

Q: We understand that you are working diligently on a review of your book tour.  Can you give us a preview?  Is it true that Pleasanton, CA is more neurotic than Westport, CT?

A: Pleasanton and Westport have a lot in common -  both scenic, competitive suburbs with stunning libraries. But Pleasanton wins in the stress department: all the kids in town all seemed to live in the library.  No joke - dozens and dozens were still there doing homework at 7pm when my event started.

 

Q: How are you coping with all the end-of-school events leading up to your empty life as an empty nester...all the Thank You Coffees and Lunches, Senior Speak, Senior Dog Day, Senior Parent Night, Senior Show, the End of the Era cocktail party, the Lifers Assembly, the final Parent Association Thank You Breakfast, the last Fundraiser...and, of course, Graduation?

A: The worst part about all of the above is Mr. NP's reaction - other than worrying about money, he is not even slightly affected by this epic transition.  One friend recently blogged that she was "grateful to have (her husband) to share all the bittersweet tears we are shedding at the thought of this stage in our lives ending.  We both started to cry watching a Subaru commercial. It's that bad..."  Hmm...the only thing that could make Mr. NP cry is that he will be forced to spend money in the reactionary state of North Carolina. 

 

Q: What about CJ? What is #trending for college juniors?  That would have to be paid internships - even more of a parenting badge than college offers.  Here on the west coast, students have traditionally been elated to procure $17 an hour positions at WME, Disney, Universal and, of course, MTV.  But CJ's friends are in a whole other category: Many are headed to Deloitte, Morgan Stanley and other I-Banks (truth be told: before CJ went to college, he had never even heard of an I-Bank).  One or two are going to CAA, but to the New York offices.  But the Ivy League of internships would have to be Microsoft and Google...and CJ has fraternity brothers spending the summer at both.  Luckily, he managed to snag a prestigious position as well, because bragging about where your kid goes to college is so 2011. 

 

Q: At what age did you wean your children?

A: CJ at 18 months and GC at 12 months - shortly before I began to think about the college application process.

Lit = Litigation

Thinking of suing a college that didn't accept you?  Take a number.  This could be the hottest trend since the Semester at Sea in Somalia. While in a shop yesterday (returning an outfit I had deemed unworthy for the book tour), I overheard two customers discussing a CNN story about how a girl was taking legal action against Harvard for race discrimination.  

But when I googled the incident, I discovered that "lawsuit" was actually a complaint filed by an Indian-American (as opposed to American Indian - those guys are cool with their admissions decisions) against the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights, targeting both Princeton and Harvard.  The complaint, which alleges “discrimination against Asian-Americans on the basis of race/national origin," suggests that those of Asian decent need higher scores to be admitted to top schools than students of other racial groups. I did, however, discover a similar lawsuit filed against UT-Austin that is actually making its way to the Supreme Court. 

And, according to recent research project conducted by the Neurotic Parent Institute, thousands of other parents would like to fight their own kids' rejections in the Supreme Court.  We are compiling the many gripes about the system that came up again and again on the NP book tour and will post the results soon.